Family

(2) Who is James?

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

So at this point I’m giddy about the possibility of learning more about James. The mysterious family member that no one ever spoke of. As I detail what has been learned to this point it’s left me with more questions than answers. I’ll pop my questions in throughout the post but I would definitely love to hear what other questions you may have. Or, if there are things we’re missing, let me know!

James came to the United States from Scotland in his early 20’s with one of his brothers. Shortly upon arrival, his brother died (maybe was influenza?). He married my great grandma in Ontario, Canada in 1926. No ideas on how they met, she grew up in Kentucky and Arkansas and eventually came to Michigan. I believe James came through Canada to the US if I follow the records correctly. So perhaps at work, out on the town, who knows? That following summer, my grandma and her sister were born. They didn’t waste any time….I giggled when I realized that.

They moved around southeast Michigan for much of my grandmas childhood, finally settling in the Port Huron area when the girls were in high school. We believe that is around when their brother was born, although we cannot find any evidence anywhere beyond what we’ve heard. Even Cousin Scotland had no idea there was a younger brother.

Around 1958, after my grandma and her sister had both married and begun having children, James, great grandma and little brother moved to California. Here is what puzzles me. From what we know, James was a tool and die maker. In Michigan with a thriving automotive and industrial landscape. Why move to California? And why move away from Michigan when two of your three children are there, along with a growing number of grandchildren?

In 1960, within two years of moving to California, my great grandma was killed in a car accident. We have no details around the circumstances of the accident. It seems unlikely that records even exist from that far back but it would be interesting to know more. She was 60 years old and they had been married for over 30 years. According to family sources, my grandma was pregnant with my youngest aunt when she and her sister flew to California for the funeral. My great grandma was buried in Arkansas.

Here’s where things get fuzzy. From what we know, it sounds like there was very little contact between my grandma and James after that point. In fact, based on family conversations, I’m not sure they ever saw him again. Maybe they spoke on the phone? I do know that James did visit Scotland between that point and his death based on accounts from Cousin Scotland. It seems odd that you would travel to Scotland but not go to Michigan to see your daughters and 6 grandchildren?

To be honest, I think it was at this point where my spidey-senses began tingling. All of that feels really…off? Moving away from where your family is, where your work industry is and the your wife suddenly dies? I know I read and watch a lot of suspense novels and I have a wild imagination, but this is literally the plot of probably dozens of books. Not to mention, at that place in time, it was not as common to move cross country. I know he was not on LinkedIn participating in the Great Resignation looking for a new opportunity.

I digress. Here is where it gets really crazy. We don’t have solid timing on this, but sometime between when his wife died, likely the late 1960’s, he emigrated to Seychelles, Africa. Literally halfway across the world. While I had heard of the Seychelles, I admittedly had to Google where they were. How does that process work in the 1960’s? Also, the younger brother stayed in California. Did he meet someone in California and that’s how he heard about it? Was he running from something? Was he just a super free spirit? This one threw us for a loop. At least we now knew where the mysterious island was…

According to Cousin Scotland, while James was living in Seychelles, he married 2 more times. The first of those (his second marriage), resulted in 2 additional children, two boys. Grandma has two half-brothers! Our best guess is that they were born sometime in the mid-1960’s, younger than their own nieces and nephews. We do know not know if he divorced his second wife or was widowed, again. He married a third time, no children in that marriage that we’re aware of.

James did make a final trip back to Scotland around 1975. My understanding is that he just showed up and no one knew that he would be visiting. That was the time that Cousin Scotland met him in person. From the sounds of it, he was quite a character. There are no details on the reason for the visit, just that it was random and surprised the family. He returned to the Seychelles where he died in 1977. He is buried on one of the islands there.

Upon his death in 1977, the embassy had attempted to find his next of kin to close out his estate, which consisted of a house and a small bank account. He had his son in the US listed as next of kin. However, much like me, they were unable to find him. They reached out to his brother, Cousin Scotland’s grandfather, as the next option. He suggested that they contact his family in the Seychelles to settle the estate. That was the last they heard about it.

There are records that indicate his sons in the Seychelles reached out to his family in Scotland but we don’t believe that anyone ever met in person. I spent a lot of time looking them up online but, even with their full names, have struck out on all of the venues I can think to look. Clearly they take after their older brother and are great at staying off the grid.

At this point, we are happy to have the closure of knowing where James is buried and that in actuality, there really was no estate to “steal” since it would have gone to his most current family. We would love to know more about his personality and the reasoning for moving across the globe away from his family, but that seems pretty unlikely. Especially without having the opportunity to talk with his two younger sons, my great-uncles. I believe those are the closest links we have to learning about him.

Since learning of his move to Seychelles and that it’s likely we actually have living relatives there, we’ve all talked of making a trip to the country to at least see if there is more to learn. At a minimum, it looks like a beautiful place to visit, so it seems like a win-win.

This where we are stuck now. Outside of the standard Google and social media platforms and ancestry, what other avenues are there to find our missing relatives? Do we even try to find them? I definitely welcome all thoughts and suggestions!

(1) Let’s Catch You Up

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

The information I’m providing is based on recounts from family and memories of conversations with my grandparents. I’m certain I’ll be adjusting information as we learn new facts. I’m purposely leaving most names out until we have more information and permissions from people along the way.

If I’m being totally honest, as all of this was unraveling, I had pretty low expectations. Honestly, I still do to some degree. Maybe I’m protecting myself from disappointment? At this point, figuring out the mystery and learning about our family is really the main focus for me. Sadly, most of the people who could answer some of the questions that really plague me have since passed away. I have no stake in any of the family drama and really am more intrigued by the idea that we have family out there we’ve never met. However, it does seem that the more we dig, there are little nuggets that pop up!

This mystery revolves around my maternal grandmothers father, my great-grandpa, James. I never knew either of her parents. Growing up I remember being at my grandmas house a lot. She and I were very close, or as close as you could get to her, she always kind of had a wall up to some degree. I remember one time in college when I called to check in with her. As we were hanging up I said, “I love you grandma” and her reply was “Uh mmm ok, bye bye”. I just laughed because that was grandma. She wasn’t the hugging kind of person. Although the older she got, I think that ice melted some. I provide all this context because it seems those personality traits may provide a glimpse into her childhood.

My grandma is an identical twin and they have a younger brother we were told was 12-15 years younger than the twins. I remember being at my grandmas house when my great aunt, grandma and their cousin (on their mothers side) would get together every few months. Their cousin was really into genealogy and would bring all of her paperwork over to show everyone (I’ve dated myself, back then it was paper because it was before the internet). She had traced that side of the family back several generations and had stories to go along with it. I once asked my grandma about her fathers side. Her response was something along the lines of “there’s nothing to tell”. I would push a little more and then usually get an exasperated “oh I don’t know!”.

At some point before she passed away in 2006, we learned a little more, but it was always shrouded in mystery. What we knew was that sometime in the late 50’s or early 60’s, her mother was killed in a car accident. I was always told it was because there were not seatbelts in cars at that time. After her death, James moved to California with the younger brother and they did not appear to keep in touch. I believe sometime in the 1980’s she and her sister learned from their brother that their father had “died on some island” years earlier. [Full confession, I almost wrote “naturally” at the beginning of the coming sentence and realized that it probably isn’t natural but was a component of a lot of family baggage] This sparked a lot of unanswered questions so began the family tales. The story was that their younger brother had neglected to tell them James died because he had stolen the inherence. For the record, I am using inheritance loosely as there was no indication that they were wealthy. All we know at this time is her brother, now in his 70’s if still alive, lived in California and owned a car repair shop. I’ve tried repeatedly to locate that part of the family but even The Google can’t seem to the them. That’s impressive.

So that takes us to about where I was with everything during my recent attempts to fill in the family tree. I was utilizing some of the hints in Ancestry and was able to link some earlier generation names. However, the gap remained. I had virtually no information on James, not even a date of death or the mysterious island he apparently died on. I decided to take a break from it and figured maybe some other hints will pop up later on.

A few weeks later, I received a DM in the Ancestry app. The message asked if I was related to James and if it is the same James that has twin daughters with the names of my grandma and her sister. She indicated that she is the granddaughter of James brother and lives in Scotland. So a new distant cousin! I was astounded. She mentioned a few items about James and it was clear that she had met him at some point and had also heard stories growing up. I had so many questions I wanted to ask! Being the ever skeptic that I am, I figured the level of risk was slim as it was only a conversation. If it could get me closer to filling the gaps, it was worth it. Not to mention, learning more about family was the purpose of this, right?

So, you’re all caught up to the background as I knew it when I got that first message from Cousin Scotland, who is a lovely person by the way. As the messages continued, the facts that I knew and what people remembered seemed to be become clearer. It’s these facts that I will continue documenting. My hope is that at some point we can paint a picture of who James was, similar to how we can for many of our other family members. In the meantime, this process will serve as that much needed distraction!

Finally Finished!

~ Kara Mills ~ 2 Comments

Back in late December, I wrote a post about what I was going to focus more on in 2020, namely, me. I was going to be more intentional, social, you get the idea. Well, 2020 determined that was a lie! I mean, at this point, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprise if robots activated and took over the world. I think most of us feel that (sadly) nothing feels surprising anymore.

In an effort to provide a small, unimportant but hopefully welcomed distraction, I’m happy to report we did finish our bedroom makeover. For the first time in a VERY long time, we have a bedroom that feels like a grown up room and not a college dorm room. I mean, most days there’s laundry everywhere and kids sneaking into sleep into our bed in the middle of the night. Overall, it can usually be used as a peaceful place to hide and/or relax. My goal was to make this as much like our happy place as possible. Since we don’t have the beach here, I wanted anything that conjured up those feelings to be included.

The nice thing about this was that in true broke college student fashion, we did this on more of a budget, gradually. Anyway, the biggest challenge, outside of budget and time, was figuring out how in the world to incorporate this chair.

This was a wedding gift my grandparents received (came in a set but the other broke) and at some point my grandma had it reupholstered in this delightful Naugahyde. Not too bad for 70 years old!

In case you’re wondering, yes those are liberty bells on the pattern. It probably wouldn’t have been my first choice but the chair is SUPER comfy and after this long, it’s become part of the family. Also, Naugahyde is legit super resilient. There are few wears or tears on it and it’s been through some stuff for sure!

This is way less appealing to look at, even compared to the Naugahyde!

Even using the chair as a laundry basket didn’t help. I mean, you can’t even enjoy how comfy it is. So, to dampen the exciting pattern, I opted for a pillow and throw that ties all the colors together.

The throw blanket (Amazon) is super soft, as is the pillow (At Home). It’s one of my favorite places to do conference calls – I can hide and be comfy all at the same time!

The other awesome thing we got to add to the room was the clock that my dad made. This was a total surprise actually but was perfect timing. 

#hotmess #foreverdormroom
We opted for a Duvet Set (Amazon) with accent throw pillows and lamps (At Home). The watercolor pictures I did myself with new frames (Hobby Lobby). We painted the nightstands white to match the theme. The headboard is made from flooring glued to a backer board.
Before of the angle facing the bedroom door. The college tag-a-long bookcase made me crazy!
We (meaning me) desperately wanted something to store our books out of sight. I needed to reduce the visual clutter! The cabinet and mirror (Hobby Lobby) were a tidier addition. 
Here are the full before and after pictures. We did get a new dresser a month or so ago that is not pictured. That “dresser” shown was actually the changing table we used for the kids. That, my friends, is the glamorous life of a med school family.

So while I had originally thought of this as a nice get away after busy weeks or weekends, it ended up being really great timing given the excessive amounts of time we spend at home now. So, while things are crazy, at least we have a place of refuge. 

Featured image from Pinterest inspirations.

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

~ Kara Mills ~ 1 Comment
A clock with a story. Made by my dad, Keith.

Back in the early 90’s, I planted one of those annoying little helicopter seeds at our old house on 7th Street. When we moved, I was able to bring that budding tree to our new house. It was planted outside the living room window and over the years, I was able to watch that tree bloom from a sapling to a large, majestic tree. Well, maybe not majestic, but it was pretty awesome to watch it grow from a seed to this large living thing. I remember coming home from college peeking out the window to see if it got any bigger, changed shape, whatever. Silly right? But hey, this was like my first kid. Something I created, nurtured and watched blossom over time. And, it doesn’t talk back! 

In 2017, almost 30 years later, my lovely tree was struck by lightening and had to be cut down. It felt weird being at my parents and seeing this big empty space where my tree once stood. It was a reminder of resiliency and patience. I thought that is was a done deal, gone for ever. Little did I know, my dad had other plans.

In early March, before the world turned into a dumpster fire, I received an unexpected package in the mail. Inside was the clock. My dad had saved the wood. He sliced a large piece of the trunk, sealed it and installed the clock. So the legacy of the tree doesn’t end. Even better, it’s made by my dad and something I can pass along. It really is the gift that keeps on giving.

Recent Events

~ Kara Mills ~ 1 Comment

So, I usually use this blog to write about our crazy lives with lots of kids and residency schedules mixed in with full time work. Today, I feel like the least I can do is talk about recent events that have been happening. I challenge you to read on. With an open mind. Judge me, but wait until the end before doing so. Try to put yourself in others shoes.

Most everyone has heard about what happened to Ahmaud Arbery. He was the 25 year old black man who was murdered while JOGGING. You know one of the few activities we can still do during a pandemic because you can social distance while doing so. Here’s the deal, hubs goes for runs when he’s able. That could have been him. It’s no different, it really isn’t. I mean, he’s older, sure, but he’s a black man. That alone was the grounds they used when they called 9-1-1. “There’s a black male running down the street.”. You can hear the caller say that 15 seconds into the call. That could have been hubs. That could have been one of my sons. What about him being black makes it illegal or threatening? And, IN WHAT WORLD is it okay for a citizen to take matters into their own hands? You call the police and let them handle it. I mean, if someone drives up on me with a gun, I’m running too. If they attempt to fight me, you can believe I’m going to fight back. Especially if I’m out minding my own business. I’m just sayin’.

Here is where it hit home even more. I have anxiety. I have for years. It’s managed, but sure, during this time of pandemic and kids in the house non-stop, it’s worse than normal. I grew up never thinking twice that my dad would make it home fine or that my brother, in all of his shenanigans, would be okay. We shrugged off getting pulled over. It wasn’t a big deal. I woke up earlier this week and hubs was gone. I figured he went running, that’s not unusual for him to do if we’re all still sleeping and he has the day off. All that I could think of is that he was being hunted down by some lunatic who felt they were keeping the area “safe” because they saw a black man running. That is NOT fair.

We have to teach our boys how to talk to officers so that they do not become the next Philando Castile. They are not allowed to ever play with any kind of toy gun outside of our house because I cannot turn off and forget what happened to Tamir Rice. We have had to frequently talk to the boys about how to “behave in public” because we do not know if someone could feel “threatened” and take matters into their own hands like what happened to Trayvon Martin. I could go on and list dozens of other black men who were senselessly murdered because someone decided to fully embrace their racial bias.

It is not fair that wives and mothers have to worry that their family is at risk for doing activities many people take for granted in this country, the “land of the free and home of the brave”. Hubs fought for this country and loves this country, we both do. That is not full freedom if you cannot be outside without worrying that you may be targeted.

If you can change the channel and not think about what’s happening, that is called privilege. It’s a cushy place to be, there are never uncomfortable conversations you have to have with your family. You have the privilege of not having to worry about your family being hurt or killed because it doesn’t impact you directly. This is not to say that “All Lives Matter” is untrue. We’re all part of one human race, of course everyone matters. It’s not only Black Lives Matter. I am saying that for centuries black people were oppressed and treated in a subservient manner. It’s been that way for so long that people justify sickening behavior. For so long WE HAVE GONE ALONG WITH IT. We haven’t challenged it and and asked what if it was my son or husband on that tape getting shot by those two men? Wouldn’t that have been murder in broad daylight? Of course it is! We hear the popular comments, “oh, he must have been doing something” or “if he would have just listened”. Why is it okay for those men who shot Ahmaud to demand he comply? Because they’re white and he’s black? What if it were black men doing that to a white man? Or white men demanding a white man comply? What’s different about those other examples is that the dialog always gives the benefit of the doubt to the victim. In Ahmaud’s case, the benefit of the doubt is given to the murderers.

My opinions may be unpopular or not considered factual to everyone. Your opinion is your own, as is mine. But I can assure you, based on my family experiences, this is our reality. This is what we live. Every day. Pandemic or no pandemic. We have the opportunity to change the narrative so the next generation can focus on working together and being the best they could ever imagine. Doing great things for humanity.  Please, think of those around you and be brave in standing up against traditions and false information. Instead of continuing the cycle of hate, bigotry, and denial.

Featured image from https://www.pinterest.com/

Meet Norman

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

About 9 years ago, when Aden was just over a year old, I had a very rare health issue pop up. I had a pregnancy in my ovary. They are so rare, they get lumped in with ectopic pregnancies- they don’t have an “official” name for them.  I don’t know exact stats, but something like 3% of pregnancies are ectopic and less than 1% of those are in the ovary (certainly correct my stats- I’m simply recalling from when it happened). The pregnancy was not viable since it was outside of the uterus and, honestly, I didn’t even know I was pregnant until I was at the ER with intense abdominal pain. The pregnancy had ruptured my ovary and I was bleeding internally- almost 2 liters of blood to be exact. I was rushed into surgery, the rupture was corrected, bleeding stopped, and pregnancy removed. There was no way to save the pregnancy and given my current state, the focus was to make sure I made it through surgery.

It took a while, but I recovered and worked through the psychological side of coming that close to not making it through. I didn’t even deal with the pregnancy side of it and didn’t realize it was an issue until we got pregnant with Asher. We were thrilled at the prospect of expanding our family and when we found out it was another boy, we joked that the baby we lost was probably a girl. That’s when I had to work through the idea of this lost child. I knew that in no way would that pregnancy have survived- it ruptured before they even operated. But it was weird thinking that there was a baby in there that we never met.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. As I was putting Asher to bed and we were chatting about his day, he told me about his friend Norman. To my knowledge, we do not know any Norman’s in our day to day life, so this was a new name to me. We talk through a few things about Norman (mostly me checking to see if this might be a real person). I began thinking this was his new imaginary friend. So, I learn he likes dinosaurs and wants to be like his mom and dad when he grows up- “they stick together” was Asher’s comment of what they do. I then ask him when I can meet Norman and he tells me that I can’t meet him. When I asked why, he said because Norman is his little brother. I tell him he has a little sister, not a little brother. He replied, “last time he came out of your belly when you weren’t there”.  I ask him when did Norman come out of my belly- he said before Ariah. I asked it was before him and he said yes, after Aden. He said Norman is a happy boy who visits him while he is sleeping. Now, I know this is probably just the ramblings of a toddler, but it did bring a sense of peace to that whole situation. Although it’s unlikely we would have named him Norman (it doesn’t fit the vowel pattern of naming we have), I guess it was a boy? So, what do you think- imaginary friend or a special visit?

Counting Down!

~ Kara Mills ~ 2 Comments

The countdown is on. Only 4 weeks (or likely less) until we welcome baby #4 into the family. This has by far been my toughest pregnancy. I’m not sure if it’s because of my “advanced maternal age” or because it’s a girl this time. Either way, it’s not been pretty. Aside from the physical challenges I’ve had this time (I feel like I’m perpetually riddled with arthritis, a bum hip, a bad back and the list goes on), my emotions are all over the board. Laughing one minute, crying the next, irritable after that. Hubs is supportive, but at a loss. The boys I’m sure are sick of it. I am proud to say that I’ve at least managed to keep the tears to a minimum at work- or been able to shut my office door! My apologies to all caught in my emotional crossfire.

This time around it’s been different, perhaps due to my roller coaster of emotions, but the engagement by others is just not the same. I’m guessing that it’s probably my less than cordial, don’t touch my belly unless I know you well or you’re invited, demeanor? Who knows? But sometimes it’s a little sad because I feel like maybe I’m just not as welcoming about receiving questions. I was really feeling bummed about this. I mean, we’re having our first girl and I can only shoot daggers at anyone inquiring? That doesn’t seem celebratory on my part.

Apparently that only applies to adults. I was recently at Target (sans kids!) picking some items up, one of which was diapers. I’m browsing the diaper aisle, befuddled as usual at the fact that they have every single size of the diaper brand/style I want, except the size I need. I’m digging around the shelf looking in case some got buried. There was a mom also nosing around looking for diapers as well. She had a little baby boy and a pre-school age girl with her. The girl I notice keeps looking at me. I smile at her and go about digging around for diapers. What happened next melted my heart, and I believe horrified her mother.

Girl: “That’s my baby brother”, she states his name and points to the little boy in the cart.

Me: “Wow, that’s great! I bet you like being a big sister?”

Girl: “Yes, and I have a bigger sister too.” She gives her name too.

Me: “That’s great. You’re lucky to have a sister and a brother.” I’m amused at this point but also don’t want to get too personal because that would be weird and you never know how people will react. I notice she keeps looking at my belly. “I have 3 big boys at home and now there is a baby girl in my belly!”

Girl: “I bet she makes noise. Mom I can hear her baby making noise.” At that moment, she skips over to me and places her ear on my belly. “Mom, I hear her baby moving!” Her mom is beyond horrified, apologizes, and tells her she needs to always ask permission.

Me: “Not even an issue. In fact, that made my day.” I couldn’t stop smiling. I really wanted to be able to reassure the mom as much as possible that it really was okay. But, I get it because I know some people that would not be okay with that. But for me, I loved the innocent enthusiasm. It was a welcome change. So, when I have my ridiculous instants of emotions, I go back to that moment and the joy she had to “hear the baby” and am happy I was able to be part of that moment, and that my baby girl could be as well.

Grandpa Green

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

This may not be a normal “working mom” post, but we all have loved ones we lose, working moms or not. I really don’t know another way to honor my grandpa- besides making choices that wouldn’t have him hollering “Judas Priest”!

People that knew grandpa before grandma died knew he was a goofball. Not one ounce of him cared what people thought. He was always in the moment, enjoying life. He retired from the post office when I was 4, so I really only knew the “retired” grandpa. I can’t speak to how grandma and grandpa were as parents. I assume they were fine- my mom and her siblings turned out to be successful, productive people. But, I can tell you, he loved being grandpa.

He was very passionate about taking care of his home and yard. You knew better than to touch the walls going up and down the stairs at their house. I laugh because my parents wouldn’t say boo about the boys touching the walls. If they did that at grandpa’s house, they would for sure get one booming warning before getting a good ol’ fashioned lickin’. You didn’t mess with his grass either- that was his summer hobby. He liked woodworking too. He even built custom Barbie furniture for his granddaughters. Of course he painted them bright green- that may have been the only paint color he had now that I think of it…

As much as he loved us, you didn’t mess around with him. When he said something, he meant business. I, being the oldest, of course had to test the waters with him. My most vivid memory was when he and grandma were over watching me and my brother. My mom had explicitly told me to not go to my friend’s house a block over. I, thinking grandpa was too old to catch me, decided to run over there. I mean, what was he really going to do?? Well, he chased me all the way to their porch (he ran way faster than I thought possible!). He carried me home, dangling me by one arm, swatting my butt the whole way. In today’s society, someone for sure would have called CPS. I’m pretty sure people in our neighborhood just looked and said “good for him”. Seriously though, I thought that he was going to beat me senseless.

grandpa

Christmas was always a very special time with him. I think he loved getting the grandkids riled up on Christmas Eve telling us Santa was on the roof. We would plaster our noses on the window trying to look. Now that I think of it, that was actually one of the few times he didn’t yell at us about getting our fingers or faces on the window. Of course, he would usually do that after he had had a few adult beverages with the parents and neighbors. I remember Grandpa and his neighbor Tony having a great time together on Christmas Eve. The party didn’t start until Tony and Virginia came over. Even as a kid, I knew that was when things would get fun. Those memories of Christmas Eve are so nostalgic for me. I even told Hubs that this Christmas didn’t feel the same because that whole dynamic is different. But I suppose that is part of growing up.

Grandpa was always active too. He kept walking regularly even after retiring and managed to stay in pretty good shape (see above comments about him chasing me). He would often play Trac Ball with us in the backyard or ride around the yard on my brothers moped (that usually happened after a few adult beverages as well).

I remember when I told him I was dating hubs. He was not happy. Like many in his generation, plus from a smaller town, he didn’t quite understand the idea of an interracial relationship. I asked him to at least meet him and then to form his own opinion. So, when they met, I mentioned that hubs was a history major (this was well before med school) and that he was also in the Marine Corps (Grandpa was in the Navy and Army and very proud of his service time). Grandpa did manage to put him through the ringer a bit, he asked a lot of questions, but by the end of the day, they were swapping war stories and hubs was relentlessly picking his brain about all of his experiences. And of course them both being named “Robert” didn’t hurt! I joke with him that I think grandpa liked him more than me! I can remember going over there and they would sit for hours sifting through old documents while grandma and I would sit there and smile.

iphone-002

The other thing he loved a lot was grandma. As an outsider you may not know it- they bickered ALL THE TIME. Grandpa yelling “Judas Priest June!” and she retorting “Oh shut up Bob!”. It often served as our entertainment growing up. Probably the most memorable moment was the Christmas before grandma died. We were all playing cards- all the grandkids, spouses, grandma, and grandpa. They started arguing about which way you deal the cards- do you deal to the right or to the left? I mean really arguing. Like we were laughing and peeing our pants because these two were so serious about which way to deal the cards. The best part is that we all still laugh about it. In fact, I don’t think we can all play cards without mentioning it.

When she died, honestly, he died with her. He really wasn’t the same again. He didn’t know how to function. So, for the last 9 years, we’ve had a different version of grandpa. Sometimes, he was hard to love. Sometimes, he was just plain annoying. Most of the time, he was just not the same. So, when he passed away earlier this month, I was surprised. Mostly because it’s what he’s been saying he wanted since grandma died and no matter how much he smoked and his health failed, he just seemed to be hanging on. So, I believe grandpa got what he wanted for Christmas, to be with grandma again. We just hope she was ready for him!

Maternity/Paternity Leave

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

Today marks my 2 year “blogiversary”. I thought I would “celebrate” by posting something a little different- but still related to being a working mom. I started this post over a year ago, long before my current pregnancy. I’m interested to hear feedback and/or discussion regarding this topic, although I know it can be sensitive, especially in our current political climate. So, for those that partake- enjoy, it’s my opinion and only supported by articles and blogs I’ve read online. Don’t expect it to be a thesis….

I don’t typically post controversial stuff on my blog. Well, unless you consider me working and having kids controversial, but then why read a working mom blog in the first place? Either way, I’ve noticed a topic that has popped up in the news on several occasions. No, I’m not talking about political candidate rhetoric. I’m referring to paid time off for the birth or adoption of a child. Now, I cannot speak about adoption because I’ve never gone through that process. However, aside from the fact that the baby comes from someone else’s uterus, you still have the emotional roller coaster, extreme lifestyle change and the “getting to know you” phase of a new person to take care of. So, it still applies. But, I’ll save that topic for people that have the experience to speak from that perspective. And for my male readers- I’ll cover my thoughts on paternity leave, just be patient, I’ll get to it.

If you look at the recent companies that have changed their policies regarding leave, the bulk of them are tech or “trendy” companies. They are looking to attract and keep, good talent. When talking with people, especially those that live outside of the US, most are appalled by our current leave policy- or lack of policy- in most cases. I’ve heard conversations on both sides of this- and have read the many comments on some of these articles which include valid arguments on both sides, along with ignorant, troll-like responses. So, because I can only speak about what I know, here are my thoughts on paid leave for parents.

I was fortunate enough to work for companies where I qualified for FMLA (12 weeks of leave with job protection) and that paid me for 6 weeks at 66% of my salary. Now, don’t get me wrong, I say that I was fortunate because a lot of people I’ve read about worked places where they had far less time, were not under FMLA, and did not receive any pay. That is unfortunate. I often think about the idea that when you have an employee who gets the flu, you send them home. You don’t risk them spreading the virus to others which can cause a huge decrease in productivity when you have several people out. I get it, getting pregnant is not contagious. But, attitude and morale are- and maybe more so. If your employee comes back to work depressed, stressed, and tired, that does not help anyone. If the employee is worth keeping, it’s worth offering perks that keep them there.

I do consider myself lucky. I could have not gotten paid, and I don’t know about you, but coming out of college with student loans does not lend a lot of flexibility to “saving up”. Not to mention all of the new “grown up” things that were then added. Plus, how in the world do you know how much to save? I mean, you can save enough for your medical costs (assuming you have a perfect, no issue birth) and then several months of money to cover living expenses (again, assuming that nothing goes wrong while you’re off). But even then, it would have taken hubs and I, on our meager salaries starting out, years to save the amount of money to cover the medical costs (roughly $5-8K for Elijah which was the most normal birth we had) and the household expenses for 3-6 months. Yes I know, it’s our fault we took out student loans, had a car payment, mortgage, utilities, food, etc. We could not have afforded to have any more time off unpaid. I only took the paid 6 weeks off to not affect our budget any more than it already had been. I was also lucky enough to not have any lingering health issues so returning at 6 weeks, although still too early in my opinion, was more doable than having to go back any earlier.

So, there is the financial side of this argument. Sure I suppose you can prepare for that technically. But what you cannot prepare for is the physical side of the process. Forget about the pregnancy itself, morning sickness, fatigue, and any other ailments pregnant women often experience. Let’s talk about the actual delivery. A good delivery would allow a woman to go into the hospital, labor for a short period of time and then pop out the baby. No IV needed, no drugs, no stitches and minimal bleeding. But, let’s be real. How often does that happen? Going by the number of women that I’ve known who have had babies, deliveries seldom go that way. Think about it, you are pushing a baby- typically the size of a small watermelon (if you’re lucky), through a part of the body that is substantially smaller than that. There is bound to be some scrambling of things happening there. The body goes through extreme pain and contortion (it feels like that anyway) in order to get the baby out. If not naturally, you end up with an incision in your lower abdomen. So, stitches in your abdomen or in your lady parts, either way, not fun.

Hearing all of that fun, messy stuff, can we talk about the fact that it is really only a woman who can have the baby? I’ve heard the argument that it’s not a company’s responsibility to provide paid leave for their employees, it’s a privilege. That’s correct, it is a privilege. However, why wouldn’t a business offer paid time off for employees. Let’s think about this. We have to assume that the employee having the baby is a good employee- otherwise why are they still employed there? Not to mention, the only employee that can physically give birth, is a woman. So for those that argue that if you can’t afford the time off, then don’t have a baby: that would limit a LOT of women to having babies when they’re young before entering the workforce (again assuming there are no financial challenges- see my remark about student loans), waiting until they retire (hello biological clock) or heck, why not just stay home and not work? It seems a little sexist considering women are the only ones that can actually perform the process of birthing. Again- adoption aside for this particular argument. I even heard comments along the lines of “that’s why women shouldn’t work”, but I’ll save those for another forum. I’m not interested in entertaining thoughts from the 1950’s at this moment in time.

Having said all of this, I’m not saying it only applies to women. It should be the same for men as well. What better support system than to have your other half there to help you when you’re exhausted, sore, emotional, etc.? Besides, it really wouldn’t be fair to say that only women can get this benefit. Yes, they go through the bulk of the process (remember my watermelon example) but men should be allowed to also have that bonding time with the newest family member. There is value in having full participation from all parents involved.

What could the down sides be? Your worker, who again I assume is a good worker as they are still employed, will come back re-energized and ready to contribute? The partner of that worker comes back knowing they were able to be there for some irreplaceable moments with their newest family member? This has been a very hot topic with a LOT of opinions, I get that. But I do also recognize our society is changing in a big way. People are yearning for more of a balance in their life. They want a rewarding career but also are seeing the value of having a family and not waiting until they are in their 40’s. I also understand that there are some businesses that cannot afford to provide this type of benefit. Maybe it’s time to look at other examples across the globe to see what works or doesn’t work. I’m writing about this not because I’ve been through this 3 times, and am about to go through this again. But because I hurt for those that are having children without any resources, or want children, and cannot because we as the leading country in the world, cannot put ourselves in others shoes and show understanding or empathy for people in situations different than ours. We can do better than that, if even making an effort to discuss in a civilized manner. It has to start somewhere.

 

 

Big News!

~ Kara Mills ~ 4 Comments

I’ve been holding off on writing until we had everything confirmed and okay. We are excited to announce…our Baby Girl will be here in February!

The boys are thrilled and hubs and I are both in shock. I really thought our baby factory only made boys, so I was mentally preparing to be the only girl from here on out. We had always wanted 4 kiddos and knew that this was it. Boy or girl, it didn’t matter. Imagine my surprise when we found out it was a girl! Speaking of which, did you know that if you’re 35 or older, that’s considered to be of “advanced maternal age”? Well, because I have a dusty uterus, I was able to do the blood test at 10 weeks and find out what we were having. I really had a hard time believing it until we saw her lady parts on the ultrasound today (thus the delayed post). So, now I’m convinced (mostly) and preparing to better understand what this whole dynamic will be.

One of the most interesting things that I’ve encountered so far in my pregnancy- aside from the wicked hormonal changes- are all of the comments people have. Here are a few we’ve heard- but I would love to hear what others may have been told!

When someone hears that we’re having baby #4, these are responses we’ve heard:

  • “Are you Catholic?” Because apparently only Catholic people have more than 2.5 children?
  • “Wow, was that planned?” I’m not sure when that is ever a good question for anyone. I’m sure it’s not your business either way.
  • “How in the world do you do it?” You mean make the baby or manage the household? Those are 2 very different answers. I refer you to your parents or some knowledgeable adult for the first, and for the managing of the household, LOTS of communication is best.
  • “What in the world will you do if it’s a boy?” Geez, I don’t know. Maybe send him off to be raised by wolves? I mean seriously!? At this point, what is one more boy in this household?? I just would have needed more socks and Band-Aids.
  • “Don’t you hope it’s a girl?” I can’t lie, sure I was hoping it was a girl, but was preparing for a boy (see above comments). But most of all, I wanted a healthy baby. Honestly, I was a little freaked out the first week or two after finding out it’s a girl. It’s sounds so different from boys, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out.
  • “Why would you want another one? Four is a lot.” Well, why do you want 2, or 1, or none? How about we refer to the earlier comment about it not being your business.
  • “How will you afford 4 kids?” Again, I refer you to the “not your business” comment. But if you just must know, we don’t say yes to everything and we try our best to live below our means. Which, while in medical school, means we don’t get to do super fun stuff all the time. It’s OKAY to say no!

There have been more, these are just a few of the common questions I’ve had. Apparently 4 kids is a tipping point in today’s society. Either way, we’re not letting anyone rain on our parade- I can just write about it and move on. Fingers are crossed and we’re praying that when the time comes for her to arrive, hubs will be at least able to get away from his rotation to be there in time. That just may be a fun blog post too!

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