(2) Who is James?

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

So at this point I’m giddy about the possibility of learning more about James. The mysterious family member that no one ever spoke of. As I detail what has been learned to this point it’s left me with more questions than answers. I’ll pop my questions in throughout the post but I would definitely love to hear what other questions you may have. Or, if there are things we’re missing, let me know!

James came to the United States from Scotland in his early 20’s with one of his brothers. Shortly upon arrival, his brother died (maybe was influenza?). He married my great grandma in Ontario, Canada in 1926. No ideas on how they met, she grew up in Kentucky and Arkansas and eventually came to Michigan. I believe James came through Canada to the US if I follow the records correctly. So perhaps at work, out on the town, who knows? That following summer, my grandma and her sister were born. They didn’t waste any time….I giggled when I realized that.

They moved around southeast Michigan for much of my grandmas childhood, finally settling in the Port Huron area when the girls were in high school. We believe that is around when their brother was born, although we cannot find any evidence anywhere beyond what we’ve heard. Even Cousin Scotland had no idea there was a younger brother.

Around 1958, after my grandma and her sister had both married and begun having children, James, great grandma and little brother moved to California. Here is what puzzles me. From what we know, James was a tool and die maker. In Michigan with a thriving automotive and industrial landscape. Why move to California? And why move away from Michigan when two of your three children are there, along with a growing number of grandchildren?

In 1960, within two years of moving to California, my great grandma was killed in a car accident. We have no details around the circumstances of the accident. It seems unlikely that records even exist from that far back but it would be interesting to know more. She was 60 years old and they had been married for over 30 years. According to family sources, my grandma was pregnant with my youngest aunt when she and her sister flew to California for the funeral. My great grandma was buried in Arkansas.

Here’s where things get fuzzy. From what we know, it sounds like there was very little contact between my grandma and James after that point. In fact, based on family conversations, I’m not sure they ever saw him again. Maybe they spoke on the phone? I do know that James did visit Scotland between that point and his death based on accounts from Cousin Scotland. It seems odd that you would travel to Scotland but not go to Michigan to see your daughters and 6 grandchildren?

To be honest, I think it was at this point where my spidey-senses began tingling. All of that feels really…off? Moving away from where your family is, where your work industry is and the your wife suddenly dies? I know I read and watch a lot of suspense novels and I have a wild imagination, but this is literally the plot of probably dozens of books. Not to mention, at that place in time, it was not as common to move cross country. I know he was not on LinkedIn participating in the Great Resignation looking for a new opportunity.

I digress. Here is where it gets really crazy. We don’t have solid timing on this, but sometime between when his wife died, likely the late 1960’s, he emigrated to Seychelles, Africa. Literally halfway across the world. While I had heard of the Seychelles, I admittedly had to Google where they were. How does that process work in the 1960’s? Also, the younger brother stayed in California. Did he meet someone in California and that’s how he heard about it? Was he running from something? Was he just a super free spirit? This one threw us for a loop. At least we now knew where the mysterious island was…

According to Cousin Scotland, while James was living in Seychelles, he married 2 more times. The first of those (his second marriage), resulted in 2 additional children, two boys. Grandma has two half-brothers! Our best guess is that they were born sometime in the mid-1960’s, younger than their own nieces and nephews. We do know not know if he divorced his second wife or was widowed, again. He married a third time, no children in that marriage that we’re aware of.

James did make a final trip back to Scotland around 1975. My understanding is that he just showed up and no one knew that he would be visiting. That was the time that Cousin Scotland met him in person. From the sounds of it, he was quite a character. There are no details on the reason for the visit, just that it was random and surprised the family. He returned to the Seychelles where he died in 1977. He is buried on one of the islands there.

Upon his death in 1977, the embassy had attempted to find his next of kin to close out his estate, which consisted of a house and a small bank account. He had his son in the US listed as next of kin. However, much like me, they were unable to find him. They reached out to his brother, Cousin Scotland’s grandfather, as the next option. He suggested that they contact his family in the Seychelles to settle the estate. That was the last they heard about it.

There are records that indicate his sons in the Seychelles reached out to his family in Scotland but we don’t believe that anyone ever met in person. I spent a lot of time looking them up online but, even with their full names, have struck out on all of the venues I can think to look. Clearly they take after their older brother and are great at staying off the grid.

At this point, we are happy to have the closure of knowing where James is buried and that in actuality, there really was no estate to “steal” since it would have gone to his most current family. We would love to know more about his personality and the reasoning for moving across the globe away from his family, but that seems pretty unlikely. Especially without having the opportunity to talk with his two younger sons, my great-uncles. I believe those are the closest links we have to learning about him.

Since learning of his move to Seychelles and that it’s likely we actually have living relatives there, we’ve all talked of making a trip to the country to at least see if there is more to learn. At a minimum, it looks like a beautiful place to visit, so it seems like a win-win.

This where we are stuck now. Outside of the standard Google and social media platforms and ancestry, what other avenues are there to find our missing relatives? Do we even try to find them? I definitely welcome all thoughts and suggestions!

(1) Let’s Catch You Up

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

The information I’m providing is based on recounts from family and memories of conversations with my grandparents. I’m certain I’ll be adjusting information as we learn new facts. I’m purposely leaving most names out until we have more information and permissions from people along the way.

If I’m being totally honest, as all of this was unraveling, I had pretty low expectations. Honestly, I still do to some degree. Maybe I’m protecting myself from disappointment? At this point, figuring out the mystery and learning about our family is really the main focus for me. Sadly, most of the people who could answer some of the questions that really plague me have since passed away. I have no stake in any of the family drama and really am more intrigued by the idea that we have family out there we’ve never met. However, it does seem that the more we dig, there are little nuggets that pop up!

This mystery revolves around my maternal grandmothers father, my great-grandpa, James. I never knew either of her parents. Growing up I remember being at my grandmas house a lot. She and I were very close, or as close as you could get to her, she always kind of had a wall up to some degree. I remember one time in college when I called to check in with her. As we were hanging up I said, “I love you grandma” and her reply was “Uh mmm ok, bye bye”. I just laughed because that was grandma. She wasn’t the hugging kind of person. Although the older she got, I think that ice melted some. I provide all this context because it seems those personality traits may provide a glimpse into her childhood.

My grandma is an identical twin and they have a younger brother we were told was 12-15 years younger than the twins. I remember being at my grandmas house when my great aunt, grandma and their cousin (on their mothers side) would get together every few months. Their cousin was really into genealogy and would bring all of her paperwork over to show everyone (I’ve dated myself, back then it was paper because it was before the internet). She had traced that side of the family back several generations and had stories to go along with it. I once asked my grandma about her fathers side. Her response was something along the lines of “there’s nothing to tell”. I would push a little more and then usually get an exasperated “oh I don’t know!”.

At some point before she passed away in 2006, we learned a little more, but it was always shrouded in mystery. What we knew was that sometime in the late 50’s or early 60’s, her mother was killed in a car accident. I was always told it was because there were not seatbelts in cars at that time. After her death, James moved to California with the younger brother and they did not appear to keep in touch. I believe sometime in the 1980’s she and her sister learned from their brother that their father had “died on some island” years earlier. [Full confession, I almost wrote “naturally” at the beginning of the coming sentence and realized that it probably isn’t natural but was a component of a lot of family baggage] This sparked a lot of unanswered questions so began the family tales. The story was that their younger brother had neglected to tell them James died because he had stolen the inherence. For the record, I am using inheritance loosely as there was no indication that they were wealthy. All we know at this time is her brother, now in his 70’s if still alive, lived in California and owned a car repair shop. I’ve tried repeatedly to locate that part of the family but even The Google can’t seem to the them. That’s impressive.

So that takes us to about where I was with everything during my recent attempts to fill in the family tree. I was utilizing some of the hints in Ancestry and was able to link some earlier generation names. However, the gap remained. I had virtually no information on James, not even a date of death or the mysterious island he apparently died on. I decided to take a break from it and figured maybe some other hints will pop up later on.

A few weeks later, I received a DM in the Ancestry app. The message asked if I was related to James and if it is the same James that has twin daughters with the names of my grandma and her sister. She indicated that she is the granddaughter of James brother and lives in Scotland. So a new distant cousin! I was astounded. She mentioned a few items about James and it was clear that she had met him at some point and had also heard stories growing up. I had so many questions I wanted to ask! Being the ever skeptic that I am, I figured the level of risk was slim as it was only a conversation. If it could get me closer to filling the gaps, it was worth it. Not to mention, learning more about family was the purpose of this, right?

So, you’re all caught up to the background as I knew it when I got that first message from Cousin Scotland, who is a lovely person by the way. As the messages continued, the facts that I knew and what people remembered seemed to be become clearer. It’s these facts that I will continue documenting. My hope is that at some point we can paint a picture of who James was, similar to how we can for many of our other family members. In the meantime, this process will serve as that much needed distraction!

Finding Distractions

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

My last two years are probably similar to what most people have experienced. Isolation, mental health roller coasters, new hobbies and time wasted on rabbit holes of mindless content online. I realized the other day that I did not write a single post in 2021. Maybe I was hoping that by not posting I could pretend that the evil twin of 2020 never existed. It wasn’t intentional, I do love writing. At one point I felt that sharing the challenges of being a working mom married to someone in medicine was an experience worth writing about. I found it therapeutic and felt that there was so much to say. I was struggling to find the right balance of wanting to grow in my career while supporting the insanely demanding career of a medical student and resident. Oh, and have kids too. Lots of them.

I had last posted that I was changing my perception of things, and to some degree I did. I lowered my bar. I’m not saying that pessimistically. I lowered it for what I felt was an acceptable reason given the current state of the world. For now, we are working on thriving while surviving. I began giving myself more grace. Are the kids healthy? Yup. Are they managing to not fall behind in school? Yup. Do we still have jobs? Yup. Ok, feels pretty successful to me.

Once I got to that point, I shifted to figuring out what I needed to begin thriving. I started with my mental health and focused on the depression and anxiety I’ve had my entire adult life. Instead of just dealing with it, I began speaking with a therapist and focusing on each piece of the puzzle. After that, I realized I needed something for me, a hobby. I love art but I do not have a dedicated space to paint and draw where little hands will not “assist”. Since I didn’t bake sourdough or get a quarantine pet, I decided to take up crocheting. True to my distractible nature, I have a lot of “works in progress” but have managed to finish a few things. Either way, it’s been a great distraction for me and for the most part, the kids leave it alone and I can take it with me when we’re running all over the place.

In addition to crocheting while surviving, I began digging into our ancestry again. Thankfully a few of hubs family members have records, pictures and stories they’ve shared along the way that I’ve been able to use while building out our family tree on ancestry.com. I was able to find pretty solid information several generations back for almost every branch of our family tree which was a fun distraction. I mean, it’s not pretty looking (I keep telling myself I’ll organize it better when I retire), but it’s made for some cool conversations.

Most notably, was learning about my maternal great-grandpa. For as long as I can remember, we never really talked about him, kind of like Bruno. My grandma never really elaborated about her father, and we knew not to push. All we were ever told was that my great-grandma died in a car accident and then he moved away. My grandma did not learn of his death until years later, but with very limited information. The family lore was that he died on an island somewhere. Having grown up in a small town where our entire family was basically born and raised, that sounded so exotic. I figured it had to be Hawaii or some other US island. My grandma, one of the most risk adverse people I knew, had to have gotten that trait from her parents. Right? Surely there are no adventurous genes in this lineage. Boy, we were in for quite a surprise. It began with an email from a previously unknown distant cousin in Scotland. It took the trajectory of our search halfway around the world and as of now has left us with more questions than answers.

If you need a good distraction during this time, join me and my family as we unravel this mystery through coming blog posts. Maybe 2022 will be the year we figure out who my great-grandpa really was.

Gaining in Loss

~ Kara Mills ~ 1 Comment

This year has plagued most of the world with loss in some way or another. Loss of normalcy, loss of loved ones, loss of control (like we ever had it to begin with!), loss of hope. I will admit, I have felt all that loss, and more, throughout the year. I feel that even the strongest in faith have had their challenges this year. This year was supposed to be “the year”, right? Great things were going to happen, I walked into the year expecting great things. I was in a new position at work, hubs was near the halfway mark of residency and the kids were planning out their activities for the year. However, by the end of the first quarter, we were in the throes of a global pandemic. We were all figuring things out while we moved along. For those of us Type A personalities, it was not exactly a peaceful time.

The struggle of balancing work from home – both creating a space that was functional and productive for me – and trying to teach Spanish Immersion kindergarten was not even close to my jam. I get a tummy ache thinking back on that process. Daycares were closed so I was doing anything I could think of to keep Ariah occupied. The Amazon packages at my door were about the only consistent thing happening. I lost the peace of having “my” time at work to sharing that with whoever happened to be in our house at the time. I lost the stability of having my children learn from people trained to do so (I am SO not meant to be a teacher for young children). We lost the perception of knowing what our routine was. I mean, I guess it became more predictable, if not boring. Get up, dressed (yay leggings!), feed kids, try to work, feed them again, snack time, dinner time, work, bedtime, repeat. All the while, planning to avoid bringing the COVID cooties into our home. We had the sanitizing station for hubs when he came home from work and we diligently quarantined and practiced good personal hygiene.

I guess here would be the part where I say that we gained extra time together, we bonded as a family and we now sing Kumbaya together every night. I would be lying. I was barely holding it together. When we moved into our current home, it was a slight decrease in size but an increase in functional space. Our rationale was that we’re not home much due to activities so less space, even if more functional, isn’t a big deal. Well, apologies from our family since I think we jinxed everything. The joke was certainly on us. We found that Disney+ and our iPads were watching the kids more during the day than I could ever do. We tired of each other because we were all in the same house constantly without breaks.

It wasn’t just home routines changed. A big part of our family life is our church and by extension, church family. They have been our family since we moved to MN. Our church family was there for us and not seeing them every week was tough. That consistent routine we had was gone. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE watching church on my TV in my pajamas but there is something to be said about seeing people. We lost that one regular connection we’ve had since we moved to MN a decade ago.

During this period, we also watched the country unravel. Science and conspiracy theories and everything in between. Along with many others, I lost a family member to COVID and couldn’t be there for my family the way I would have a year ago. I lost my last grandparent (due to another illness) during lockdown and had to postpone visiting with family. We lost the comfort in hugging one another during hard times – although thankfully, most understood.

The opportunity to grow in my new role lost the momentum I felt existed at the beginning of the year. Everything paused while we figured out what the next steps of this process looked like. I’m thankful I still have my job and am still loving it, thrilled about the possibilities, but COVID sure was a wet blanket on my initial jump into the year.

Most recently, we lost a very dear friend & mentor, to cancer. He was leader in our church and a surrogate grandfather to hubs and I. When we heard, it felt so “2020” to us. Of course, why not pile everything on during one of the most unimaginable years most of us have seen. While we have all confidence and comfort in knowing he has moved on to Glory and is truly in a better place, it hurts. Bad. I moped and we cried, and laughed, and told stories and cried some more. We celebrated his life and I yearned to be able to hug his family and tell them how much he meant to us and how much they mean to us too. That is not possible right now. That also, feels like a loss.

It feels like 2020 has conditioned me to feel loss, mope in my sorrows, complain and whine about what isn’t fair. As if the world isn’t on fire for anyone but me. It’s exhausting. So, a change of plans. We had the unimaginable blessing of having an outside church service today – 70 degrees in Minnesota, in November! Usually we’re in sub-zero temps with snow. Heck, we had 9 inches of snow a few weeks ago! We’ve been doing church at home, as mentioned before, but have been to the parking lot services where we were able to social distance but be “near” people we love. Today was perfect for that. The sun was shining and there was a breeze. As I stood there, listening to the comments and sermon, I realized at that moment I can CHOOSE to change how I feel about everything. While it’s easy to feel that everything is a loss and only focus on that, I can also CHOOSE to think about what gains have come from this mess of a year. The legacy of those we lost should not be shadowed by the “2020-ness” of the event.

Thinking back to the beginning of this journey, we gained the knowledge that we managed through that process ok. The kids are healthy and they’re making it through school. We found what worked for our family and I was able to learn to “let go and let God”. I mean really, what else could I do? This also allowed me to progress with work in a more deliberate fashion that gave me breathing room. While it felt frustrating at first, looking back, I know that was a blessing because allowed the balance to be manageable.

While we have our home church service every Sunday, we have also been able to watch other services and reap even more than we might otherwise if driving around on Sundays. This has expanded access to resources for the kids as well as a network of other like-minded people who are all feeling the isolation. Knowing that I won’t see my same people every Sunday has also pushed me to reach out in different ways and grow my relationships with my MN family.

It’s really hard to think about what could be gained by physically losing someone. It’s not as if we would trade that person for something, it’s really understanding how God can use any circumstance for His purpose. Losing people when we can’t be around each other for comfort has required me to trust God more. Learn more about faith – the substance of things hoped for and evidence of things not seen. I’ve grown closer to those that were impacted by the same losses and now know that I have an amazing network of people around me for any kind of crazy that might come up.

While we still have a few weeks of 2020 left, I’m going to try my best to twist the plot around and think about what I might be gaining by things that feel like they aren’t exactly going the way I had anticipated. The challenges that we’ve had so far, the sacrifices that were made, are all too important to lump them as a footnote of 2020. So, for now, I’ll be expending my extra energy not on baking sourdough bread or creating tiktoc videos, but strategizing how I will let the circumstances around me, grow me. Care to join?

Finally Finished!

~ Kara Mills ~ 2 Comments

Back in late December, I wrote a post about what I was going to focus more on in 2020, namely, me. I was going to be more intentional, social, you get the idea. Well, 2020 determined that was a lie! I mean, at this point, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprise if robots activated and took over the world. I think most of us feel that (sadly) nothing feels surprising anymore.

In an effort to provide a small, unimportant but hopefully welcomed distraction, I’m happy to report we did finish our bedroom makeover. For the first time in a VERY long time, we have a bedroom that feels like a grown up room and not a college dorm room. I mean, most days there’s laundry everywhere and kids sneaking into sleep into our bed in the middle of the night. Overall, it can usually be used as a peaceful place to hide and/or relax. My goal was to make this as much like our happy place as possible. Since we don’t have the beach here, I wanted anything that conjured up those feelings to be included.

The nice thing about this was that in true broke college student fashion, we did this on more of a budget, gradually. Anyway, the biggest challenge, outside of budget and time, was figuring out how in the world to incorporate this chair.

This was a wedding gift my grandparents received (came in a set but the other broke) and at some point my grandma had it reupholstered in this delightful Naugahyde. Not too bad for 70 years old!

In case you’re wondering, yes those are liberty bells on the pattern. It probably wouldn’t have been my first choice but the chair is SUPER comfy and after this long, it’s become part of the family. Also, Naugahyde is legit super resilient. There are few wears or tears on it and it’s been through some stuff for sure!

This is way less appealing to look at, even compared to the Naugahyde!

Even using the chair as a laundry basket didn’t help. I mean, you can’t even enjoy how comfy it is. So, to dampen the exciting pattern, I opted for a pillow and throw that ties all the colors together.

The throw blanket (Amazon) is super soft, as is the pillow (At Home). It’s one of my favorite places to do conference calls – I can hide and be comfy all at the same time!

The other awesome thing we got to add to the room was the clock that my dad made. This was a total surprise actually but was perfect timing. 

#hotmess #foreverdormroom
We opted for a Duvet Set (Amazon) with accent throw pillows and lamps (At Home). The watercolor pictures I did myself with new frames (Hobby Lobby). We painted the nightstands white to match the theme. The headboard is made from flooring glued to a backer board.
Before of the angle facing the bedroom door. The college tag-a-long bookcase made me crazy!
We (meaning me) desperately wanted something to store our books out of sight. I needed to reduce the visual clutter! The cabinet and mirror (Hobby Lobby) were a tidier addition. 
Here are the full before and after pictures. We did get a new dresser a month or so ago that is not pictured. That “dresser” shown was actually the changing table we used for the kids. That, my friends, is the glamorous life of a med school family.

So while I had originally thought of this as a nice get away after busy weeks or weekends, it ended up being really great timing given the excessive amounts of time we spend at home now. So, while things are crazy, at least we have a place of refuge. 

Featured image from Pinterest inspirations.

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

~ Kara Mills ~ 1 Comment
A clock with a story. Made by my dad, Keith.

Back in the early 90’s, I planted one of those annoying little helicopter seeds at our old house on 7th Street. When we moved, I was able to bring that budding tree to our new house. It was planted outside the living room window and over the years, I was able to watch that tree bloom from a sapling to a large, majestic tree. Well, maybe not majestic, but it was pretty awesome to watch it grow from a seed to this large living thing. I remember coming home from college peeking out the window to see if it got any bigger, changed shape, whatever. Silly right? But hey, this was like my first kid. Something I created, nurtured and watched blossom over time. And, it doesn’t talk back! 

In 2017, almost 30 years later, my lovely tree was struck by lightening and had to be cut down. It felt weird being at my parents and seeing this big empty space where my tree once stood. It was a reminder of resiliency and patience. I thought that is was a done deal, gone for ever. Little did I know, my dad had other plans.

In early March, before the world turned into a dumpster fire, I received an unexpected package in the mail. Inside was the clock. My dad had saved the wood. He sliced a large piece of the trunk, sealed it and installed the clock. So the legacy of the tree doesn’t end. Even better, it’s made by my dad and something I can pass along. It really is the gift that keeps on giving.

Recent Events

~ Kara Mills ~ 1 Comment

So, I usually use this blog to write about our crazy lives with lots of kids and residency schedules mixed in with full time work. Today, I feel like the least I can do is talk about recent events that have been happening. I challenge you to read on. With an open mind. Judge me, but wait until the end before doing so. Try to put yourself in others shoes.

Most everyone has heard about what happened to Ahmaud Arbery. He was the 25 year old black man who was murdered while JOGGING. You know one of the few activities we can still do during a pandemic because you can social distance while doing so. Here’s the deal, hubs goes for runs when he’s able. That could have been him. It’s no different, it really isn’t. I mean, he’s older, sure, but he’s a black man. That alone was the grounds they used when they called 9-1-1. “There’s a black male running down the street.”. You can hear the caller say that 15 seconds into the call. That could have been hubs. That could have been one of my sons. What about him being black makes it illegal or threatening? And, IN WHAT WORLD is it okay for a citizen to take matters into their own hands? You call the police and let them handle it. I mean, if someone drives up on me with a gun, I’m running too. If they attempt to fight me, you can believe I’m going to fight back. Especially if I’m out minding my own business. I’m just sayin’.

Here is where it hit home even more. I have anxiety. I have for years. It’s managed, but sure, during this time of pandemic and kids in the house non-stop, it’s worse than normal. I grew up never thinking twice that my dad would make it home fine or that my brother, in all of his shenanigans, would be okay. We shrugged off getting pulled over. It wasn’t a big deal. I woke up earlier this week and hubs was gone. I figured he went running, that’s not unusual for him to do if we’re all still sleeping and he has the day off. All that I could think of is that he was being hunted down by some lunatic who felt they were keeping the area “safe” because they saw a black man running. That is NOT fair.

We have to teach our boys how to talk to officers so that they do not become the next Philando Castile. They are not allowed to ever play with any kind of toy gun outside of our house because I cannot turn off and forget what happened to Tamir Rice. We have had to frequently talk to the boys about how to “behave in public” because we do not know if someone could feel “threatened” and take matters into their own hands like what happened to Trayvon Martin. I could go on and list dozens of other black men who were senselessly murdered because someone decided to fully embrace their racial bias.

It is not fair that wives and mothers have to worry that their family is at risk for doing activities many people take for granted in this country, the “land of the free and home of the brave”. Hubs fought for this country and loves this country, we both do. That is not full freedom if you cannot be outside without worrying that you may be targeted.

If you can change the channel and not think about what’s happening, that is called privilege. It’s a cushy place to be, there are never uncomfortable conversations you have to have with your family. You have the privilege of not having to worry about your family being hurt or killed because it doesn’t impact you directly. This is not to say that “All Lives Matter” is untrue. We’re all part of one human race, of course everyone matters. It’s not only Black Lives Matter. I am saying that for centuries black people were oppressed and treated in a subservient manner. It’s been that way for so long that people justify sickening behavior. For so long WE HAVE GONE ALONG WITH IT. We haven’t challenged it and and asked what if it was my son or husband on that tape getting shot by those two men? Wouldn’t that have been murder in broad daylight? Of course it is! We hear the popular comments, “oh, he must have been doing something” or “if he would have just listened”. Why is it okay for those men who shot Ahmaud to demand he comply? Because they’re white and he’s black? What if it were black men doing that to a white man? Or white men demanding a white man comply? What’s different about those other examples is that the dialog always gives the benefit of the doubt to the victim. In Ahmaud’s case, the benefit of the doubt is given to the murderers.

My opinions may be unpopular or not considered factual to everyone. Your opinion is your own, as is mine. But I can assure you, based on my family experiences, this is our reality. This is what we live. Every day. Pandemic or no pandemic. We have the opportunity to change the narrative so the next generation can focus on working together and being the best they could ever imagine. Doing great things for humanity.  Please, think of those around you and be brave in standing up against traditions and false information. Instead of continuing the cycle of hate, bigotry, and denial.

Featured image from https://www.pinterest.com/

New Rules

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

We’re in day 5,054 of staying at home. Working from home while undertaking Spanish immersion kindergarten, entertaining a threenager, and reminding middle schoolers that video games do not constitute “technology learning” has been treacherous. I mean, it’s infinitely better than being intubated, but it’s not my lifelong dream.

I went from being a happy working mom who carted her kids to their respective destinations every morning, had a coffee, and adulted. Now, on a good day, I’m wrestling kids out of bed, herding cats kids until distance learning is done and they can join the wild west of activities we have at our house. I’m exhausted at the end of the day and adulting is of no interest. I had to learn to “let it go” (thank you Frozen for reminding me of that every day when it’s playing on repeat).  That song is stuck in your head now right?? Anyway, here are a few items we’ve decided or realized during this period of time.

  • Do you have screen time restrictions? Ha! That’s cute! Nope, there are none. It is survival of the fittest people. Unless you’re a kindergartener with an attitude, then you can be grounded from the iPad until your birthday…in July. Yes, it was that bad that I punished myself too.
  • Will you try potty training the threenager? No. HECK no! Why would I do that to myself?? I mean, if she goes, we celebrate. But I am not about to shadow this 3 year old to make sure she goes potty. I seldom remember to use the bathroom so how am I going to remind her?
  • Are you quarantining from hubs? Nope, so long as we remain healthy. We’re each others support system. He strips his clothes off in the garage and then washes them separately from our clothes. For the record, there have been no instances of him streaking through my conference calls. Yet.
  • Do you like working from home? YES!!! I LOVE it! I’m super productive. I mean, when I don’t have kids hanging on me. Literally. Ariah_ClingingThis work of art can be titled “I want to talk on your conference call” circa pandemic 2020.
  • Are you excited to be saving gas money? Yes, of course! It’s helped fund my new online ordering habit. Specifically Amazon. They have everything you need to get your home office in line. The most critical items have been a second monitor and a seat pad. Kitchen chairs are not meant to be sat on 40+ hours a week. Trust me.

Here’s the deal. I’ve had to turn my Type A off and be okay with just making it through each day. There are way bigger things happening in the world that make my stresses sound trivial. And they are trivial, relatively speaking. We are healthy, we have food and clothes and the kids, while bored, are happy. Once I decided that they will be fine if I am not a perfect parent/teacher/worker 100 percent of the time, life was a lot less stressful. Being a working mom is hard when it’s just work, so give yourself some grace and be okay if things are not perfect. We’re all in this together!

Managing Me

~ Kara Mills ~ 1 Comment

Well, it’s been a while. Certainly long overdue. I’ve missed writing but life has been extremely hectic. Hubs has been rotating through different pediatric specialties and I’ve been holding down the fort. The fort consists of the 4 kiddos, basketball (coaching the in-house team), middle school musical, state honors choir, school concerts, doctors appointments, you get the idea. Oh, and work. I have a new role at work so I’ve been climbing the learning curve hill for a while. It’s kind of funny because when people ask how I do everything, I usually say “by the grace of God”. I truly mean that. On my best days I feel like I’m failing and barely processing one moment at a time. Any “me” time is usually spent sleeping (if I’m lucky). On occasion I’ve made it out to get my toes done or was able to run to the grocery store on my own – because isn’t grocery shopping what every mom dreams of doing right after work in the 15 minutes of quiet time they have?!

I will say that hubs does an amazing job of helping out, when he can, and also recognizes when I need time away. However, he can’t always be here so those opportunities are few and far between. I also don’t count work trips as “me” time. Because they’re WORK trips. I’m WORKING. I appreciate having hot food and having a bed that is not inhabited by a toddler but I’m still working and have places to be at specific times.

So, I got to thinking. The last several months my head has been spinning and I know that most areas of our life are not changing any time soon. I need to change something. A few years back I did a New Year’s resolution of reading my bible everyday before I would get on social media or play games on my phone. Unlike all of the resolutions that I had done in the past (usually diet related and I LOVE me some food!), I actually did this one the entire year and it was transformational for me. Being that it’s that time of year again and if I’m being honest with myself, I’m unlikely to really embrace a new eating regimen, I need to think about other well-being options. I’ve decided to focus on me a little more. Ugh, that feels uncomfortable.

I talked through this with hubs before writing because it just feels weird. I’m so used to getting everyone else where they need to be or others items done before my own. Talking with other parents, I know I’m not alone. We often put our kids, spouses, pets, co-workers, bosses, <insert most everyone else>, before ourselves. Especially if you get moving so fast you are running on auto-pilot and do not even realize you’re doing it.

So, for 2020, the start to the new decade, I am going to focus on making sure a portion of my day is for ME. I am going to find different hobbies I love or things that interest me to fill in that time. For the first 5 weeks of the year I’ve joined a FB group to makeover a room in our house. It’s low key but super interesting and I’ve picked our bedroom so I can make an oasis to relax in after (2 birds, 1 stone?). After that, I want to start painting and drawing again. And, of course writing. I want to focus on my friendships too. I have a lot of amazing people in my life that I see regularly and if you look at my phone or social posts, you wouldn’t know that because I’m usually chasing kids and not getting pictures and spending time with them. It doesn’t mean I can go out every night, or even every weekend. But, it does mean I want to be intentional about keeping up with my friends and family. Getting pictures to remember how awesome 2020 was.

So, my dear readers – if any of you are even left out there reading this blog – please hold me accountable. Ask me what I’ve been doing for my hobby. Let’s get pictures together and keep in touch. It’s the people around me that can help keep me grounded and sane when life feels so, so crazy. Follow me on IG at @workingmommymemoirs or @karajmills so see if I’m actually doing what I said I was going to do. Here’s to an amazing start to 2020!

It’s Been a While

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Not because I haven’t wanted to. As one of my kids said – “it’s a great outlet for me” (insert eye roll). Things have really just been that busy.

So after my last post, I kind of left people hanging. Hubs matched at the University of MN – so, we get to stay put!! Since that point, we moved (locally thankfully), hubs graduated (should I call him DrHubs now?), had out of state family move to MN (YAY!!!), he started residency and now we’re preparing for the start of school for the kids. There have been work trips – Las Vegas, Nashville and California and many hours, heck even days, that we go without seeing him. Most days he leaves before we’re up and then gets back well after the kids are in bed. On the bright side, when he’s home – he’s truly home. We’ve had to learn to do more with less and are adjusting to dad being gone at work instead of school. While he’s not in a specialty that is crazy competitive like surgery or ortho (and have the reputation of having crazy hours), he still is away a LOT.

The best part is that he is finally getting paid! Now, if I take that pay and divide it by the hours that he works, I’m pretty sure I got paid more hourly babysitting in 1991 than what he gets. But, something is better than nothing right?

Finally, and most importantly, HE MADE IT! He’s officially an MD. Through all of the trials (and there were a LOT of them!), God has carried us and gave us constant reminders of how faith truly works. So, for now, I will do my best to write. More to come!

We Matched!

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

It’s a few days late but we got the email Monday at 9:58am CT that hubs matched! That means it’s either MI or MN that we will match to.

I was at work, unpacking because we were literally moving into our new HQ building that day. I called him because I am not the most patient person (shocker) and he read the email over the phone. It felt surreal. Honestly, it really didn’t even hit me until last night. And then, it was more exhausted relief than anything. No big crying and screaming fit I had always thought I would do. Perhaps that’s saved for later?

As I mentioned before, because it’s not stressful enough, they drag the waiting game out until this Friday. Ugh! So, stay tuned and I will (hopefully) be better about posting in a more timely fashion. Maybe I’ll have more to say about some kind of emotional outburst. Just hopefully nothing too embarrassing….

What’s Next – Match Week

~ Kara Mills ~ 1 Comment

After years of waiting, we’re less than a week away from one of the final milestones in medical school- Match Week! We’re often asked where we are in the process. Why not write about it? I mean what better way to deal with stress than talk about it right? Also, my full disclaimer is that I’m writing about our experience and I’m not quoting exact numbers. So when I say numbers below, it’s my general understanding and certainly not fact- it’s simply for the purpose of getting you to understand how this crazy process works. Also, I barely have time to relax much less look up sources and cite them in a blog I do for fun. Just saying….

Let’s talk Match. It’s the point in a future doctor’s career where you get “drafted” to a program to complete your residency. It’s what you’ve been working towards for the past 4+ years. It’s an annual process beginning in the fall every year. Fourth year medical students fill out the application, gather recommendation letters and complete a personal statement. Students select what programs they would like to apply to based on their desired specialty. For example, hubs is going into pediatrics so his focus is solely on locations that offer pediatric programs that meet the wants he has for his future career. The more competitive the specialty, the more programs people apply to. I know of people that applied to as little as 20 programs and some applied to over 100 programs. And yes, because everyone asks, you pay a flat fee for the initial application and then after a certain amount you pay per application. It can add up quick.

After the applications are submitted and reviewed, programs will reach out to applicants for interviews if interested. To give context, one of the programs hubs interviewed at has 20 openings but hundreds of applicants. Also, I know of people who apply to 75+ programs but have less than 20 interviews. There are varieties of reasons people do or do not get interviews. Test scores are certainly an easy, “objective” way to weed people out. Personal statements also play a role. It’s essentially your opportunity to sell yourself to the program and convince them that they should consider you. No pressure.

After all the interviews are completed- usually the end of January- students submit what they call their “rank list”. Basically, each student ranks all of the programs they interviewed at from most desired to least. The programs are also doing the same thing with their applicants. Then, in late February the entity that facilitates this process runs a super secretive algorithm to match applicants to their programs. So, some people may match their first choice and others may match their 7th choice, or some may not match at all.

Where it gets really anxiety inducing is the week called “Match Week”. This year it is the week of March 11th. On that morning, hubs will get an email telling him if he matched. If he matches one of the programs he ranked, we will find out what program that is on Friday, the 15th. If he were to not match, students then spend the week mass interviewing at programs that still have openings to find a spot for residency. They basically push out as many applications as possible and phone and web interviews are conducted until a spot is filled. On the 15th, all students who have matched somewhere- whether through the match or through the scramble, will gather and celebrate this next step. So basically, next Friday we find out if we stay here or if we will be moving in June. For a type-A personality like me, this whole “waiting to plan a major event until the last minute” is certainly not my jam.

So, for now, I’m practicing patience and, honestly, sitting in disbelief that we’re finally at this point. Some day I may write about all of the stories, but for now, I will relish the chance to celebrate and plan for the next chapter of this journey. Stay tuned for next week, I imagine we will have some updates!

In the meantime, if you want to understand more about this match process, visit the Married to Doctors blog and read the awesome write up for this topic.