Advice

New Rules

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

We’re in day 5,054 of staying at home. Working from home while undertaking Spanish immersion kindergarten, entertaining a threenager, and reminding middle schoolers that video games do not constitute “technology learning” has been treacherous. I mean, it’s infinitely better than being intubated, but it’s not my lifelong dream.

I went from being a happy working mom who carted her kids to their respective destinations every morning, had a coffee, and adulted. Now, on a good day, I’m wrestling kids out of bed, herding cats kids until distance learning is done and they can join the wild west of activities we have at our house. I’m exhausted at the end of the day and adulting is of no interest. I had to learn to “let it go” (thank you Frozen for reminding me of that every day when it’s playing on repeat).  That song is stuck in your head now right?? Anyway, here are a few items we’ve decided or realized during this period of time.

  • Do you have screen time restrictions? Ha! That’s cute! Nope, there are none. It is survival of the fittest people. Unless you’re a kindergartener with an attitude, then you can be grounded from the iPad until your birthday…in July. Yes, it was that bad that I punished myself too.
  • Will you try potty training the threenager? No. HECK no! Why would I do that to myself?? I mean, if she goes, we celebrate. But I am not about to shadow this 3 year old to make sure she goes potty. I seldom remember to use the bathroom so how am I going to remind her?
  • Are you quarantining from hubs? Nope, so long as we remain healthy. We’re each others support system. He strips his clothes off in the garage and then washes them separately from our clothes. For the record, there have been no instances of him streaking through my conference calls. Yet.
  • Do you like working from home? YES!!! I LOVE it! I’m super productive. I mean, when I don’t have kids hanging on me. Literally. Ariah_ClingingThis work of art can be titled “I want to talk on your conference call” circa pandemic 2020.
  • Are you excited to be saving gas money? Yes, of course! It’s helped fund my new online ordering habit. Specifically Amazon. They have everything you need to get your home office in line. The most critical items have been a second monitor and a seat pad. Kitchen chairs are not meant to be sat on 40+ hours a week. Trust me.

Here’s the deal. I’ve had to turn my Type A off and be okay with just making it through each day. There are way bigger things happening in the world that make my stresses sound trivial. And they are trivial, relatively speaking. We are healthy, we have food and clothes and the kids, while bored, are happy. Once I decided that they will be fine if I am not a perfect parent/teacher/worker 100 percent of the time, life was a lot less stressful. Being a working mom is hard when it’s just work, so give yourself some grace and be okay if things are not perfect. We’re all in this together!

Time to Be Me

~ Kara Mills ~ 4 Comments

Every year hubs med school has a live event called Hippocrates Café that focuses on allowing medical student the opportunity to express themselves artistically through story and song. Typically, a lot of people submit works and then a handful are selected to be presented. Some people perform their own works, while others are performed by professionals. This year, hubs written piece was selected and read by a professional! I am so proud of what he wrote that I felt it’s important to share. It’s a raw piece that truly expresses how these last few years have been, not only for him, but many others in med school as well.

 

Time to Be Me

By: Robert Mills

 

Confident to start, jovial to begin.

Living out my dream, I got this.

Wait. You say you went to what Ivy League school?

You too? And you…?

I’m just a kid from the hood, who’s made it out, so far, so good.

So pardon me if I don’t speak so eloquently.

I’m just tryin to do me.

I wasn’t afforded the social capital and wealth

That allowed you to achieve, seemingly carefree

Naw, that’s not me.

As I swim in this sea of unfamiliarity, I can’t help but wonder,

Why did they pick me?

And as the failures pile up, I feel I’m losing my identity.

Excuse me, is USMLE playing a cruel joke on me?

All the doctors said it was ADHD.

God please!

PLEASE take away this depression.

PLEASE take away this fear.

You’ve brought me so close to my dream, yet it’s on the verge to disappear!

This can’t be how my story ends.

I feel it deep down in my soul.

I was meant for this!

I can’t let this dream go!

Therapy has helped me to see I’m not an affirmative action case.

Despite my upbringing and lack of wealth,

I belong in this place.

What I realized is that the gunshots and the dope spots,

The broken homes, kids being left all alone,

The gang signs and the violent crimes,

Taught me some valuable lessons you can’t learn within four walls.

Like the social injustice spawning deep mistrust in a system that has historically disadvantaged us.

You see these life lessons ain’t in vain,

No matter how excruciating the pain.

And while these tools I’ve acquired don’t scream academic pedigree,

They do provide an empathetic demeanor, which has allowed patients to trust me.

So I’m done with the mask med students wear while being insecure inside,

God has brought me through too much mess to just run away and hide

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel,

And It’s not an oncoming train

It’s dreams fulfilled and destiny revealed through all of the pain.

Below is the video of the professional reading his piece. What an awesome honor to have been chosen and to be able to share such personal feelings with a group that understands so well. If med school doesn’t work out, I feel like a fine arts degree might be in his future….

TO: The Others (“Med Student +1”)

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

Part of being the “+1” of a med student is learning to cope while life, as you know it, changes. It doesn’t matter if you’re dating, married, or married with kids. Life changes. A lot. And it’s not pretty at all. I try hard to stay smiling and keep my head up for hubs, after all, he’s in the thick of it. It’s best if he has one less thing to worry about. However, I am human. I started blogging as one outlet, but it tends to be a one sided conversation so that’s not always therapeutic.

Towards the end of last school year a professor at the med school asked hubs if I would be interested in starting a spouse/partner support group for the undergraduate medical students. I decided it was worth a shot. I’m not a group leader of anything so I wasn’t really sure what to do. I really wanted to hear what others expected out of the group. I thought, based on how I was feeling, it didn’t seem to make sense to do some big, extravagant get together and act like everything is perfect. It’s not. Life is chaotic on a good day and more often than not, I feel like I’m sharing hubs with 179 other people. It seems a little Facebookish to pretend it’s fine when it’s not. I really wanted to hear what others had in mind. So I brought lots of food and hoped it would cover the fact I had no set plan. Of course I had a small panic attack while I was heading to the meeting. What if I’m really the happiest person there and everyone else is on the brink of disaster? Or, what if I’m Debbie Downer? Or what if I’m the only one who shows up?! I’m happy to say that none of the above happened. We had about 7 or 8 people attend and they’re all incredible! They have good days and bad ones. It’s been challenging and every single frustration or story that was shared was wholeheartedly agreed upon by other group members. It was amazing!

So, for those that have a person in med school (or any other similar situation), here are some words of advice as stated by folks in the group.

  • You are NOT ALONE! If you’re person is not alone in their situation, you’re not the only person in yours. Find your peers and vent together, smile together or just know you have each other when needed.
  • It’s always changing. Each semester changes and new challenges are introduced while old ones (if we’re lucky) go away. Be prepared for change and embrace it as an opportunity to see what you are capable of.
  • Share the good, bad, and ugly of what you’re going through and expect that almost everyone (outside of your group of peers) will not understand. It’s okay to be human and no one should expect you to be perfect all of the time.
  • Take it one step at a time. Don’t look at all of the different tasks over the next several years. Handle it a task at a time. For example, don’t stress about where you will match for residency your first year. You have a few years before that comes up.
  • COMMUNICATE!!! I cannot stress this enough! Everyone in the group said this too- talking about things makes it easier when tough stuff comes up- which will happen. Even if it takes them 2 days to text you back, keep trying, don’t give up!

For those of you who are friends or family to the “+1”, here are a few bits of advice:

  • Be kind. We know that this was a choice. It’s not like our person woke up one day and was required to go to med school. They chose to go. But when we’re having a bad day, we don’t need you to remind us that “you chose this, deal with it”. Sometimes we just need to vent.
  • This ties into the first point of being kind. Allow us to be grumpy, depressed, have a bad day, or whatever we need. There are periods of time where things really are crappy- and that is putting it really nice. Sometimes we need a moment to have a pity party and then move on. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows here people!
  • Stop acting like med school takes 3 decades to complete. It’s only 4 years and then residency. Most people agree that when you have kids, you blink your eyes and they go from a baby to elementary school. The same applies to our med school person. I can hardly believe that hubs is half way through his second year. It doesn’t seem possible!
  • Please don’t assume that just because hubs will be a doctor that I no longer want to work and I will be a “Doctor’s Wife” (said with my best snooty enthusiasm). He was a teacher when we married so I clearly didn’t marry him for his money. I built up my own career and enjoy it. Not to mention we will have a ba-zillion dollars of med school loans to pay off so I’m pretty sure I’ll be working until I’m 110.
  • Don’t be offended if you do not get first dibs at the med student. As a “+1” we wait patiently day after day, text after text, waiting to hear back from our person, daydreaming of an extravagant date night watching DVR reruns of The Blacklist and eating old takeout. We’ve dealt with their roller coaster of emotions during these different blocks of classes and have earned that alone time. Don’t worry, you’ll get your time, just be patient.

I’m sure there is a lot more- which I would love to hear. But most of all, don’t give up. Know you’re not alone and that the end of this grueling process is not far away. It’s worth it.