Loss

Gaining in Loss

~ Kara Mills ~ 1 Comment

This year has plagued most of the world with loss in some way or another. Loss of normalcy, loss of loved ones, loss of control (like we ever had it to begin with!), loss of hope. I will admit, I have felt all that loss, and more, throughout the year. I feel that even the strongest in faith have had their challenges this year. This year was supposed to be “the year”, right? Great things were going to happen, I walked into the year expecting great things. I was in a new position at work, hubs was near the halfway mark of residency and the kids were planning out their activities for the year. However, by the end of the first quarter, we were in the throes of a global pandemic. We were all figuring things out while we moved along. For those of us Type A personalities, it was not exactly a peaceful time.

The struggle of balancing work from home – both creating a space that was functional and productive for me – and trying to teach Spanish Immersion kindergarten was not even close to my jam. I get a tummy ache thinking back on that process. Daycares were closed so I was doing anything I could think of to keep Ariah occupied. The Amazon packages at my door were about the only consistent thing happening. I lost the peace of having “my” time at work to sharing that with whoever happened to be in our house at the time. I lost the stability of having my children learn from people trained to do so (I am SO not meant to be a teacher for young children). We lost the perception of knowing what our routine was. I mean, I guess it became more predictable, if not boring. Get up, dressed (yay leggings!), feed kids, try to work, feed them again, snack time, dinner time, work, bedtime, repeat. All the while, planning to avoid bringing the COVID cooties into our home. We had the sanitizing station for hubs when he came home from work and we diligently quarantined and practiced good personal hygiene.

I guess here would be the part where I say that we gained extra time together, we bonded as a family and we now sing Kumbaya together every night. I would be lying. I was barely holding it together. When we moved into our current home, it was a slight decrease in size but an increase in functional space. Our rationale was that we’re not home much due to activities so less space, even if more functional, isn’t a big deal. Well, apologies from our family since I think we jinxed everything. The joke was certainly on us. We found that Disney+ and our iPads were watching the kids more during the day than I could ever do. We tired of each other because we were all in the same house constantly without breaks.

It wasn’t just home routines changed. A big part of our family life is our church and by extension, church family. They have been our family since we moved to MN. Our church family was there for us and not seeing them every week was tough. That consistent routine we had was gone. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE watching church on my TV in my pajamas but there is something to be said about seeing people. We lost that one regular connection we’ve had since we moved to MN a decade ago.

During this period, we also watched the country unravel. Science and conspiracy theories and everything in between. Along with many others, I lost a family member to COVID and couldn’t be there for my family the way I would have a year ago. I lost my last grandparent (due to another illness) during lockdown and had to postpone visiting with family. We lost the comfort in hugging one another during hard times – although thankfully, most understood.

The opportunity to grow in my new role lost the momentum I felt existed at the beginning of the year. Everything paused while we figured out what the next steps of this process looked like. I’m thankful I still have my job and am still loving it, thrilled about the possibilities, but COVID sure was a wet blanket on my initial jump into the year.

Most recently, we lost a very dear friend & mentor, to cancer. He was leader in our church and a surrogate grandfather to hubs and I. When we heard, it felt so “2020” to us. Of course, why not pile everything on during one of the most unimaginable years most of us have seen. While we have all confidence and comfort in knowing he has moved on to Glory and is truly in a better place, it hurts. Bad. I moped and we cried, and laughed, and told stories and cried some more. We celebrated his life and I yearned to be able to hug his family and tell them how much he meant to us and how much they mean to us too. That is not possible right now. That also, feels like a loss.

It feels like 2020 has conditioned me to feel loss, mope in my sorrows, complain and whine about what isn’t fair. As if the world isn’t on fire for anyone but me. It’s exhausting. So, a change of plans. We had the unimaginable blessing of having an outside church service today – 70 degrees in Minnesota, in November! Usually we’re in sub-zero temps with snow. Heck, we had 9 inches of snow a few weeks ago! We’ve been doing church at home, as mentioned before, but have been to the parking lot services where we were able to social distance but be “near” people we love. Today was perfect for that. The sun was shining and there was a breeze. As I stood there, listening to the comments and sermon, I realized at that moment I can CHOOSE to change how I feel about everything. While it’s easy to feel that everything is a loss and only focus on that, I can also CHOOSE to think about what gains have come from this mess of a year. The legacy of those we lost should not be shadowed by the “2020-ness” of the event.

Thinking back to the beginning of this journey, we gained the knowledge that we managed through that process ok. The kids are healthy and they’re making it through school. We found what worked for our family and I was able to learn to “let go and let God”. I mean really, what else could I do? This also allowed me to progress with work in a more deliberate fashion that gave me breathing room. While it felt frustrating at first, looking back, I know that was a blessing because allowed the balance to be manageable.

While we have our home church service every Sunday, we have also been able to watch other services and reap even more than we might otherwise if driving around on Sundays. This has expanded access to resources for the kids as well as a network of other like-minded people who are all feeling the isolation. Knowing that I won’t see my same people every Sunday has also pushed me to reach out in different ways and grow my relationships with my MN family.

It’s really hard to think about what could be gained by physically losing someone. It’s not as if we would trade that person for something, it’s really understanding how God can use any circumstance for His purpose. Losing people when we can’t be around each other for comfort has required me to trust God more. Learn more about faith – the substance of things hoped for and evidence of things not seen. I’ve grown closer to those that were impacted by the same losses and now know that I have an amazing network of people around me for any kind of crazy that might come up.

While we still have a few weeks of 2020 left, I’m going to try my best to twist the plot around and think about what I might be gaining by things that feel like they aren’t exactly going the way I had anticipated. The challenges that we’ve had so far, the sacrifices that were made, are all too important to lump them as a footnote of 2020. So, for now, I’ll be expending my extra energy not on baking sourdough bread or creating tiktoc videos, but strategizing how I will let the circumstances around me, grow me. Care to join?

Grandpa Green

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

This may not be a normal “working mom” post, but we all have loved ones we lose, working moms or not. I really don’t know another way to honor my grandpa- besides making choices that wouldn’t have him hollering “Judas Priest”!

People that knew grandpa before grandma died knew he was a goofball. Not one ounce of him cared what people thought. He was always in the moment, enjoying life. He retired from the post office when I was 4, so I really only knew the “retired” grandpa. I can’t speak to how grandma and grandpa were as parents. I assume they were fine- my mom and her siblings turned out to be successful, productive people. But, I can tell you, he loved being grandpa.

He was very passionate about taking care of his home and yard. You knew better than to touch the walls going up and down the stairs at their house. I laugh because my parents wouldn’t say boo about the boys touching the walls. If they did that at grandpa’s house, they would for sure get one booming warning before getting a good ol’ fashioned lickin’. You didn’t mess with his grass either- that was his summer hobby. He liked woodworking too. He even built custom Barbie furniture for his granddaughters. Of course he painted them bright green- that may have been the only paint color he had now that I think of it…

As much as he loved us, you didn’t mess around with him. When he said something, he meant business. I, being the oldest, of course had to test the waters with him. My most vivid memory was when he and grandma were over watching me and my brother. My mom had explicitly told me to not go to my friend’s house a block over. I, thinking grandpa was too old to catch me, decided to run over there. I mean, what was he really going to do?? Well, he chased me all the way to their porch (he ran way faster than I thought possible!). He carried me home, dangling me by one arm, swatting my butt the whole way. In today’s society, someone for sure would have called CPS. I’m pretty sure people in our neighborhood just looked and said “good for him”. Seriously though, I thought that he was going to beat me senseless.

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Christmas was always a very special time with him. I think he loved getting the grandkids riled up on Christmas Eve telling us Santa was on the roof. We would plaster our noses on the window trying to look. Now that I think of it, that was actually one of the few times he didn’t yell at us about getting our fingers or faces on the window. Of course, he would usually do that after he had had a few adult beverages with the parents and neighbors. I remember Grandpa and his neighbor Tony having a great time together on Christmas Eve. The party didn’t start until Tony and Virginia came over. Even as a kid, I knew that was when things would get fun. Those memories of Christmas Eve are so nostalgic for me. I even told Hubs that this Christmas didn’t feel the same because that whole dynamic is different. But I suppose that is part of growing up.

Grandpa was always active too. He kept walking regularly even after retiring and managed to stay in pretty good shape (see above comments about him chasing me). He would often play Trac Ball with us in the backyard or ride around the yard on my brothers moped (that usually happened after a few adult beverages as well).

I remember when I told him I was dating hubs. He was not happy. Like many in his generation, plus from a smaller town, he didn’t quite understand the idea of an interracial relationship. I asked him to at least meet him and then to form his own opinion. So, when they met, I mentioned that hubs was a history major (this was well before med school) and that he was also in the Marine Corps (Grandpa was in the Navy and Army and very proud of his service time). Grandpa did manage to put him through the ringer a bit, he asked a lot of questions, but by the end of the day, they were swapping war stories and hubs was relentlessly picking his brain about all of his experiences. And of course them both being named “Robert” didn’t hurt! I joke with him that I think grandpa liked him more than me! I can remember going over there and they would sit for hours sifting through old documents while grandma and I would sit there and smile.

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The other thing he loved a lot was grandma. As an outsider you may not know it- they bickered ALL THE TIME. Grandpa yelling “Judas Priest June!” and she retorting “Oh shut up Bob!”. It often served as our entertainment growing up. Probably the most memorable moment was the Christmas before grandma died. We were all playing cards- all the grandkids, spouses, grandma, and grandpa. They started arguing about which way you deal the cards- do you deal to the right or to the left? I mean really arguing. Like we were laughing and peeing our pants because these two were so serious about which way to deal the cards. The best part is that we all still laugh about it. In fact, I don’t think we can all play cards without mentioning it.

When she died, honestly, he died with her. He really wasn’t the same again. He didn’t know how to function. So, for the last 9 years, we’ve had a different version of grandpa. Sometimes, he was hard to love. Sometimes, he was just plain annoying. Most of the time, he was just not the same. So, when he passed away earlier this month, I was surprised. Mostly because it’s what he’s been saying he wanted since grandma died and no matter how much he smoked and his health failed, he just seemed to be hanging on. So, I believe grandpa got what he wanted for Christmas, to be with grandma again. We just hope she was ready for him!