Patience

The Gift that Keeps on Giving

~ Kara Mills ~ 1 Comment
A clock with a story. Made by my dad, Keith.

Back in the early 90’s, I planted one of those annoying little helicopter seeds at our old house on 7th Street. When we moved, I was able to bring that budding tree to our new house. It was planted outside the living room window and over the years, I was able to watch that tree bloom from a sapling to a large, majestic tree. Well, maybe not majestic, but it was pretty awesome to watch it grow from a seed to this large living thing. I remember coming home from college peeking out the window to see if it got any bigger, changed shape, whatever. Silly right? But hey, this was like my first kid. Something I created, nurtured and watched blossom over time. And, it doesn’t talk back! 

In 2017, almost 30 years later, my lovely tree was struck by lightening and had to be cut down. It felt weird being at my parents and seeing this big empty space where my tree once stood. It was a reminder of resiliency and patience. I thought that is was a done deal, gone for ever. Little did I know, my dad had other plans.

In early March, before the world turned into a dumpster fire, I received an unexpected package in the mail. Inside was the clock. My dad had saved the wood. He sliced a large piece of the trunk, sealed it and installed the clock. So the legacy of the tree doesn’t end. Even better, it’s made by my dad and something I can pass along. It really is the gift that keeps on giving.

What’s Next – Match Week

~ Kara Mills ~ 1 Comment

After years of waiting, we’re less than a week away from one of the final milestones in medical school- Match Week! We’re often asked where we are in the process. Why not write about it? I mean what better way to deal with stress than talk about it right? Also, my full disclaimer is that I’m writing about our experience and I’m not quoting exact numbers. So when I say numbers below, it’s my general understanding and certainly not fact- it’s simply for the purpose of getting you to understand how this crazy process works. Also, I barely have time to relax much less look up sources and cite them in a blog I do for fun. Just saying….

Let’s talk Match. It’s the point in a future doctor’s career where you get “drafted” to a program to complete your residency. It’s what you’ve been working towards for the past 4+ years. It’s an annual process beginning in the fall every year. Fourth year medical students fill out the application, gather recommendation letters and complete a personal statement. Students select what programs they would like to apply to based on their desired specialty. For example, hubs is going into pediatrics so his focus is solely on locations that offer pediatric programs that meet the wants he has for his future career. The more competitive the specialty, the more programs people apply to. I know of people that applied to as little as 20 programs and some applied to over 100 programs. And yes, because everyone asks, you pay a flat fee for the initial application and then after a certain amount you pay per application. It can add up quick.

After the applications are submitted and reviewed, programs will reach out to applicants for interviews if interested. To give context, one of the programs hubs interviewed at has 20 openings but hundreds of applicants. Also, I know of people who apply to 75+ programs but have less than 20 interviews. There are varieties of reasons people do or do not get interviews. Test scores are certainly an easy, “objective” way to weed people out. Personal statements also play a role. It’s essentially your opportunity to sell yourself to the program and convince them that they should consider you. No pressure.

After all the interviews are completed- usually the end of January- students submit what they call their “rank list”. Basically, each student ranks all of the programs they interviewed at from most desired to least. The programs are also doing the same thing with their applicants. Then, in late February the entity that facilitates this process runs a super secretive algorithm to match applicants to their programs. So, some people may match their first choice and others may match their 7th choice, or some may not match at all.

Where it gets really anxiety inducing is the week called “Match Week”. This year it is the week of March 11th. On that morning, hubs will get an email telling him if he matched. If he matches one of the programs he ranked, we will find out what program that is on Friday, the 15th. If he were to not match, students then spend the week mass interviewing at programs that still have openings to find a spot for residency. They basically push out as many applications as possible and phone and web interviews are conducted until a spot is filled. On the 15th, all students who have matched somewhere- whether through the match or through the scramble, will gather and celebrate this next step. So basically, next Friday we find out if we stay here or if we will be moving in June. For a type-A personality like me, this whole “waiting to plan a major event until the last minute” is certainly not my jam.

So, for now, I’m practicing patience and, honestly, sitting in disbelief that we’re finally at this point. Some day I may write about all of the stories, but for now, I will relish the chance to celebrate and plan for the next chapter of this journey. Stay tuned for next week, I imagine we will have some updates!

In the meantime, if you want to understand more about this match process, visit the Married to Doctors blog and read the awesome write up for this topic.

TO: The Others (“Med Student +1”)

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

Part of being the “+1” of a med student is learning to cope while life, as you know it, changes. It doesn’t matter if you’re dating, married, or married with kids. Life changes. A lot. And it’s not pretty at all. I try hard to stay smiling and keep my head up for hubs, after all, he’s in the thick of it. It’s best if he has one less thing to worry about. However, I am human. I started blogging as one outlet, but it tends to be a one sided conversation so that’s not always therapeutic.

Towards the end of last school year a professor at the med school asked hubs if I would be interested in starting a spouse/partner support group for the undergraduate medical students. I decided it was worth a shot. I’m not a group leader of anything so I wasn’t really sure what to do. I really wanted to hear what others expected out of the group. I thought, based on how I was feeling, it didn’t seem to make sense to do some big, extravagant get together and act like everything is perfect. It’s not. Life is chaotic on a good day and more often than not, I feel like I’m sharing hubs with 179 other people. It seems a little Facebookish to pretend it’s fine when it’s not. I really wanted to hear what others had in mind. So I brought lots of food and hoped it would cover the fact I had no set plan. Of course I had a small panic attack while I was heading to the meeting. What if I’m really the happiest person there and everyone else is on the brink of disaster? Or, what if I’m Debbie Downer? Or what if I’m the only one who shows up?! I’m happy to say that none of the above happened. We had about 7 or 8 people attend and they’re all incredible! They have good days and bad ones. It’s been challenging and every single frustration or story that was shared was wholeheartedly agreed upon by other group members. It was amazing!

So, for those that have a person in med school (or any other similar situation), here are some words of advice as stated by folks in the group.

  • You are NOT ALONE! If you’re person is not alone in their situation, you’re not the only person in yours. Find your peers and vent together, smile together or just know you have each other when needed.
  • It’s always changing. Each semester changes and new challenges are introduced while old ones (if we’re lucky) go away. Be prepared for change and embrace it as an opportunity to see what you are capable of.
  • Share the good, bad, and ugly of what you’re going through and expect that almost everyone (outside of your group of peers) will not understand. It’s okay to be human and no one should expect you to be perfect all of the time.
  • Take it one step at a time. Don’t look at all of the different tasks over the next several years. Handle it a task at a time. For example, don’t stress about where you will match for residency your first year. You have a few years before that comes up.
  • COMMUNICATE!!! I cannot stress this enough! Everyone in the group said this too- talking about things makes it easier when tough stuff comes up- which will happen. Even if it takes them 2 days to text you back, keep trying, don’t give up!

For those of you who are friends or family to the “+1”, here are a few bits of advice:

  • Be kind. We know that this was a choice. It’s not like our person woke up one day and was required to go to med school. They chose to go. But when we’re having a bad day, we don’t need you to remind us that “you chose this, deal with it”. Sometimes we just need to vent.
  • This ties into the first point of being kind. Allow us to be grumpy, depressed, have a bad day, or whatever we need. There are periods of time where things really are crappy- and that is putting it really nice. Sometimes we need a moment to have a pity party and then move on. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows here people!
  • Stop acting like med school takes 3 decades to complete. It’s only 4 years and then residency. Most people agree that when you have kids, you blink your eyes and they go from a baby to elementary school. The same applies to our med school person. I can hardly believe that hubs is half way through his second year. It doesn’t seem possible!
  • Please don’t assume that just because hubs will be a doctor that I no longer want to work and I will be a “Doctor’s Wife” (said with my best snooty enthusiasm). He was a teacher when we married so I clearly didn’t marry him for his money. I built up my own career and enjoy it. Not to mention we will have a ba-zillion dollars of med school loans to pay off so I’m pretty sure I’ll be working until I’m 110.
  • Don’t be offended if you do not get first dibs at the med student. As a “+1” we wait patiently day after day, text after text, waiting to hear back from our person, daydreaming of an extravagant date night watching DVR reruns of The Blacklist and eating old takeout. We’ve dealt with their roller coaster of emotions during these different blocks of classes and have earned that alone time. Don’t worry, you’ll get your time, just be patient.

I’m sure there is a lot more- which I would love to hear. But most of all, don’t give up. Know you’re not alone and that the end of this grueling process is not far away. It’s worth it.