Quarantine

Gaining in Loss

~ Kara Mills ~ 1 Comment

This year has plagued most of the world with loss in some way or another. Loss of normalcy, loss of loved ones, loss of control (like we ever had it to begin with!), loss of hope. I will admit, I have felt all that loss, and more, throughout the year. I feel that even the strongest in faith have had their challenges this year. This year was supposed to be “the year”, right? Great things were going to happen, I walked into the year expecting great things. I was in a new position at work, hubs was near the halfway mark of residency and the kids were planning out their activities for the year. However, by the end of the first quarter, we were in the throes of a global pandemic. We were all figuring things out while we moved along. For those of us Type A personalities, it was not exactly a peaceful time.

The struggle of balancing work from home – both creating a space that was functional and productive for me – and trying to teach Spanish Immersion kindergarten was not even close to my jam. I get a tummy ache thinking back on that process. Daycares were closed so I was doing anything I could think of to keep Ariah occupied. The Amazon packages at my door were about the only consistent thing happening. I lost the peace of having “my” time at work to sharing that with whoever happened to be in our house at the time. I lost the stability of having my children learn from people trained to do so (I am SO not meant to be a teacher for young children). We lost the perception of knowing what our routine was. I mean, I guess it became more predictable, if not boring. Get up, dressed (yay leggings!), feed kids, try to work, feed them again, snack time, dinner time, work, bedtime, repeat. All the while, planning to avoid bringing the COVID cooties into our home. We had the sanitizing station for hubs when he came home from work and we diligently quarantined and practiced good personal hygiene.

I guess here would be the part where I say that we gained extra time together, we bonded as a family and we now sing Kumbaya together every night. I would be lying. I was barely holding it together. When we moved into our current home, it was a slight decrease in size but an increase in functional space. Our rationale was that we’re not home much due to activities so less space, even if more functional, isn’t a big deal. Well, apologies from our family since I think we jinxed everything. The joke was certainly on us. We found that Disney+ and our iPads were watching the kids more during the day than I could ever do. We tired of each other because we were all in the same house constantly without breaks.

It wasn’t just home routines changed. A big part of our family life is our church and by extension, church family. They have been our family since we moved to MN. Our church family was there for us and not seeing them every week was tough. That consistent routine we had was gone. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE watching church on my TV in my pajamas but there is something to be said about seeing people. We lost that one regular connection we’ve had since we moved to MN a decade ago.

During this period, we also watched the country unravel. Science and conspiracy theories and everything in between. Along with many others, I lost a family member to COVID and couldn’t be there for my family the way I would have a year ago. I lost my last grandparent (due to another illness) during lockdown and had to postpone visiting with family. We lost the comfort in hugging one another during hard times – although thankfully, most understood.

The opportunity to grow in my new role lost the momentum I felt existed at the beginning of the year. Everything paused while we figured out what the next steps of this process looked like. I’m thankful I still have my job and am still loving it, thrilled about the possibilities, but COVID sure was a wet blanket on my initial jump into the year.

Most recently, we lost a very dear friend & mentor, to cancer. He was leader in our church and a surrogate grandfather to hubs and I. When we heard, it felt so “2020” to us. Of course, why not pile everything on during one of the most unimaginable years most of us have seen. While we have all confidence and comfort in knowing he has moved on to Glory and is truly in a better place, it hurts. Bad. I moped and we cried, and laughed, and told stories and cried some more. We celebrated his life and I yearned to be able to hug his family and tell them how much he meant to us and how much they mean to us too. That is not possible right now. That also, feels like a loss.

It feels like 2020 has conditioned me to feel loss, mope in my sorrows, complain and whine about what isn’t fair. As if the world isn’t on fire for anyone but me. It’s exhausting. So, a change of plans. We had the unimaginable blessing of having an outside church service today – 70 degrees in Minnesota, in November! Usually we’re in sub-zero temps with snow. Heck, we had 9 inches of snow a few weeks ago! We’ve been doing church at home, as mentioned before, but have been to the parking lot services where we were able to social distance but be “near” people we love. Today was perfect for that. The sun was shining and there was a breeze. As I stood there, listening to the comments and sermon, I realized at that moment I can CHOOSE to change how I feel about everything. While it’s easy to feel that everything is a loss and only focus on that, I can also CHOOSE to think about what gains have come from this mess of a year. The legacy of those we lost should not be shadowed by the “2020-ness” of the event.

Thinking back to the beginning of this journey, we gained the knowledge that we managed through that process ok. The kids are healthy and they’re making it through school. We found what worked for our family and I was able to learn to “let go and let God”. I mean really, what else could I do? This also allowed me to progress with work in a more deliberate fashion that gave me breathing room. While it felt frustrating at first, looking back, I know that was a blessing because allowed the balance to be manageable.

While we have our home church service every Sunday, we have also been able to watch other services and reap even more than we might otherwise if driving around on Sundays. This has expanded access to resources for the kids as well as a network of other like-minded people who are all feeling the isolation. Knowing that I won’t see my same people every Sunday has also pushed me to reach out in different ways and grow my relationships with my MN family.

It’s really hard to think about what could be gained by physically losing someone. It’s not as if we would trade that person for something, it’s really understanding how God can use any circumstance for His purpose. Losing people when we can’t be around each other for comfort has required me to trust God more. Learn more about faith – the substance of things hoped for and evidence of things not seen. I’ve grown closer to those that were impacted by the same losses and now know that I have an amazing network of people around me for any kind of crazy that might come up.

While we still have a few weeks of 2020 left, I’m going to try my best to twist the plot around and think about what I might be gaining by things that feel like they aren’t exactly going the way I had anticipated. The challenges that we’ve had so far, the sacrifices that were made, are all too important to lump them as a footnote of 2020. So, for now, I’ll be expending my extra energy not on baking sourdough bread or creating tiktoc videos, but strategizing how I will let the circumstances around me, grow me. Care to join?

New Rules

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

We’re in day 5,054 of staying at home. Working from home while undertaking Spanish immersion kindergarten, entertaining a threenager, and reminding middle schoolers that video games do not constitute “technology learning” has been treacherous. I mean, it’s infinitely better than being intubated, but it’s not my lifelong dream.

I went from being a happy working mom who carted her kids to their respective destinations every morning, had a coffee, and adulted. Now, on a good day, I’m wrestling kids out of bed, herding cats kids until distance learning is done and they can join the wild west of activities we have at our house. I’m exhausted at the end of the day and adulting is of no interest. I had to learn to “let it go” (thank you Frozen for reminding me of that every day when it’s playing on repeat).  That song is stuck in your head now right?? Anyway, here are a few items we’ve decided or realized during this period of time.

  • Do you have screen time restrictions? Ha! That’s cute! Nope, there are none. It is survival of the fittest people. Unless you’re a kindergartener with an attitude, then you can be grounded from the iPad until your birthday…in July. Yes, it was that bad that I punished myself too.
  • Will you try potty training the threenager? No. HECK no! Why would I do that to myself?? I mean, if she goes, we celebrate. But I am not about to shadow this 3 year old to make sure she goes potty. I seldom remember to use the bathroom so how am I going to remind her?
  • Are you quarantining from hubs? Nope, so long as we remain healthy. We’re each others support system. He strips his clothes off in the garage and then washes them separately from our clothes. For the record, there have been no instances of him streaking through my conference calls. Yet.
  • Do you like working from home? YES!!! I LOVE it! I’m super productive. I mean, when I don’t have kids hanging on me. Literally. Ariah_ClingingThis work of art can be titled “I want to talk on your conference call” circa pandemic 2020.
  • Are you excited to be saving gas money? Yes, of course! It’s helped fund my new online ordering habit. Specifically Amazon. They have everything you need to get your home office in line. The most critical items have been a second monitor and a seat pad. Kitchen chairs are not meant to be sat on 40+ hours a week. Trust me.

Here’s the deal. I’ve had to turn my Type A off and be okay with just making it through each day. There are way bigger things happening in the world that make my stresses sound trivial. And they are trivial, relatively speaking. We are healthy, we have food and clothes and the kids, while bored, are happy. Once I decided that they will be fine if I am not a perfect parent/teacher/worker 100 percent of the time, life was a lot less stressful. Being a working mom is hard when it’s just work, so give yourself some grace and be okay if things are not perfect. We’re all in this together!

She’s Here!

~ Kara Mills ~ 4 Comments

She’s here! Our final family member arrived on Thursday, February 16th. Ariah (pronounced like “Mariah” without the “M”), completed our family. Honestly, boy or girl, we were done anyway! The boys are super excited for her to be here, and even Asher has adjusted well- after a few tough days. The pink, purple and glitter take some getting used to. I’ve, on more than one occasion, called her a boy nickname. It’s weird having another girl in the house, but it’s certainly something I can get used to!

A lot of it is surreal actually. The pregnancy was tougher than any of my others like I mentioned before. But it did go by fast in retrospect. I had started my maternity leave on the 15th. I figured that I would get a few days of rest in before my scheduled induction date on the 21st. My first day off hubs and I ran errands, had lunch together and just enjoyed some quiet time- which hasn’t happened in a REALLY long time. The morning of the 16th, we were getting the boys ready for school and then planning on running some additional errands before my 38-week checkup. In the midst of the usual morning chaos, I realized that I had either become incontinent or my water had broken and was leaking out gradually. I called the doctor and they said to head to the hospital where they could check for certain. The boys, being the boys, were moving at a snail’s pace. I had been having a few contractions and I realized that not only did we have to do drop off at 2 different locations across town from one another, but we had to head into the city. During rush hour. Now, Minneapolis doesn’t seem super big, but the traffic here is terrible. Especially if you live south of the cities and have to travel north, which we do. No matter what, I did not want to be that person to give birth on the Bloomington Ferry bridge during rush hour and be on the 5 o’clock news. After much prodding, I had to turn the drama level up a few notches and yell that my water broke so they better get a move on. Surprisingly, it worked. Those boys moved faster than I’ve ever seen. Hubs thankfully was still calm. Side note- when my water broke with Asher in the middle of the night, hubs was in a very sleep deprived, delirious panic and backed into our other car as we left. We still all laugh about that. No major incidents getting out of the house this time!

We did make it to the hospital where an amazing labor and delivery triage nurse- who also has 3 boys and girl- got us situated. They confirmed that my water had broken and then got us set up in the labor and delivery room. I believe we got all settled in there around 9am. My labor and delivery nurse- who also has 3 boys and a girl (I believe that was God reassuring us?!)- was absolutely awesome. My doctor stopped in to see how things were going- at which point the rest of my water broke- and they began the process of moving the labor along. For whatever reason, my body does not seem to go into regular labor patterns on its own. I’ve always needed Pitocin, which in my world means I need good drugs too. That Pitocin stuff is no joke! Heck, labor is no joke and I’m totally of the camp that if I can be comfortable, why not!? Thankfully my OB is very supportive of that- I believe the quote I heard was “no need to play hero”- and he put orders in for an epidural.

Several hard contractions later the angel anesthesiologist, showed up to get the epidural going. Within 30 minutes I was laying comfy and chatting with hubs and the nurse. They did a check and I was at 4.5 centimeters. Decent progress but we figured I had at least another 5-7 hours to go.

About an hour later, I was at 6 so we were gearing up. They rolled me to my other side to even the epidural out. About 5 or 10 minutes later, I started feeling the contractions again, or so I thought. I mentioned it to the nurse and she checked and I was at 9.5 centimeters! I was NOT ready for that. Mentally, I was still wrapping my head around the fact that we were having a baby that day and not running errands and taking naps all afternoon. About 2 minutes later my doctor shows up and they get me all set up to begin pushing. So, I do a “practice push” and out comes a head…and half a “practice push” later, she is out! Seriously, I think that was faster than a cesarean! My head was spinning. Yes, I realize that I was lucky. She and I are healthy, but that was a shock to the system.

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Since then, I’ve been healing well- far better than I expected. She is growing really well and we’re just getting settled into a new routine. We’re staying quarantined at home, as much as we can, until she gets a little older and this flu and RSV wave let up, not to mention all of the other possibilities that can come up. It’s not worth the risk. I believe the Jimmy Kimmel PSA covers it well. So, come May, we will be out and meeting people. Until then, I’ll keep sending pictures and welcome any girly advice!