Mommyhood

This is Why

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

As the mother of a toddler, not a day goes by where I don’t hear “why?”. Every request is countered with the question, “why?”. Every statement, “why?”. All. The. Time. Of course I get to the point where my only response is “because I said so!” with far too much exasperation in my voice. These last few weeks have made me often wonder “why?”.

For starters, why did the plague hit our house…wait for it…the week of hubs exams?? Because that’s how we roll, that’s why. What fun would exam week be if there was not violent vomiting and explosive diarrhea to share? We’re apparently a loving family, we share everything….even those trifling germs. It hit nana, the toddler, and even hubs (thankfully his was after exams). Then tween 1 went down next, sent home from school merely days after finishing his first ever musical- thank you Jesus for holding that out!

So, that takes us to tween 2. First night parenting solo while hubs is away on a new rotation and he’s got a low grade fever. No biggie right? Get some ibuprofen and lots of water and he’ll be back to new in no time. Well, by 6pm it was clear the fever was lingering and the meds were keeping it at bay. Since asthma is always our first concern with him, I had him sleeping in my room to keep and eye on him. When 10pm rolls around, he’s knocked out, fever is almost nonexistent and I head to bed.

Here’s where it gets crazy. Why did I wake up, out of a dead sleep 2 hours later to check on him?? No noises, he was sound asleep. I felt his head and knew the fever had returned. Upon taking his temp, I knew we had a problem. The first time read 105.0. I couldn’t believe it so it took it again, several times- 103.3, 104.8, 104.4, 105.0. You get the idea. Crazy enough, he woke up, was totally coherent and did not seem phased by the high fever. A trip to the ER, quick triage, and we’re home with a diagnosis of Influenza A.

So, why did I wake up and check on him? Honestly, that’s all God. Some may say a “Mother’s instinct” but I can tell you, this mama was tired and I’m not one to wake and function like that. That was all God.

Why did he not have any side effects from a fever that high? I mean, I would have expected lethargy, confusion or even febrile seizures. Again, that’s God.

Why, with such a severe fever, was his asthma not affected- especially with influenza, which is known to wreak havoc on the respiratory system? If only I could share the crazy roller coaster of a ride we’ve had with his asthma- admits to the hospital, 911 calls, etc.- that would be a memoir on its own. A simple cold has landed him in the hospital for a few days stay. I have 2 reasons: first- you guessed it- God. Second, the flu vaccine. Thank GOD for modern medicine! The vaccine is not meant to prevent influenza, it’s meant to lessenthesymptoms and prevent death from influenza. It worked just as intended with him. I have no doubt that this particular strain could have caused immense turmoil on his lungs. Why do we all get the flu vaccine in our family? Because we want to protect those whose body may not be able to fight against the virus.

Why did I feel it necessary to share all of this info? Because God moved in a way that shook me to my core. He “took the wheel” and allowed me to care for my child. Something about our babies being in distress- whether they know it or not.

So, hug your babies, say a prayer of thanks, and get your flu vaccine! Why? Because I said so! 😉

Working Moms

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

I haven’t written lately about the work aspect of life. Actually I haven’t written lately at all! Anyway, often my topics are around children, Hub’s med school journey and whatever falls in-between. There are times I feel like I’m a mom who works or a worker who happens to be a mom. It doesn’t always feel like I’m a “working mom”. It also often feels like a lonely island where I’m juggling a million things and I would never want to put myself into a vulnerable position and actually ADMIT that I’m barely keeping my head above water.

I went to a conference in the fall for women who work in the same industry as me. I went hoping to do some networking and learning how other working women navigate through their career paths in this industry. However, I was pleased to find that the “mom” part of these women’s lives were woven into the fabric of the conversation. Virtually every person I spoke with had some component of juggling life with work. Even if she did not have children, there was that navigating of work/life balance that we all experience. It was even more enlightening that the women I spoke with were very open about their experiences and challenges. I was- get ready for it- NOT THE ONLY ONE! I mean, intuitively I know that. I’m not THAT special. But, when hubs in occupied with med school and I’m running the household schedule, menu, cleaning, etc., it does get lonely. And, I’m a lucky one because hubs is 110% involved when he’s around. He doesn’t come home and hide away from the mayhem of our house and make me handle everything. We co-parent really well. It doesn’t mean that things are not challenging on occasion. I was so pleasantly surprised to have that reminder at this conference.

I wish there were more open discussions of this. I’ve seen it in private mom-groups and every once in a while I’ll see some brave soul mention something on Facebook. It’s few and far between. I want to hear what your biggest challenge is. Is it the balance between home & work? If you are a working mom from home (outside employer or SAHM), is it getting a break? What are your challenges??

I’m Not Your Friend

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

After moving to the new neighborhood, there’s been a time period of getting to know the neighbors and the nuances of life here. Everyone is friendly and it’s a quiet area. There are several boys around Aden’s age so he’s having fun making new friends and playing outside. However, I find in most cases, I’m the mean mom. You see, we have a few rules in our household. Maybe this makes me a little cray-cray but whatever. Some of it is dictated by Aden’s allergies (I don’t have him carry his epi-pen yet as I’m pretty sure he would think it was a toy to play with) and other are dictated by the fact that we’ve experienced crazy and are hoping to prevent any repeat incidents.

 

Here are the rules:

 

  • When school has started, you do not play outside until you have your homework done. If you “forgot” your homework at school, you’re out of luck. I bet you’ll remember it next time! And for all of the people freaking out that they “need their exercise”, they play outside all afternoon in their after school program. So they’re all sweaty and stinky by the time I pick them up and have had their share of fresh air.
  • If you’re fortunate enough to play outside after homework, do not keep coming in and out of the house. Unless you’re about to pee your pants, stay outside until you plan on staying inside. If I hear you come in more than once, that’s a wrap. We don’t need a bunch of flies in the house and you certainly do not need to feed the whole neighborhood all of the lunch snacks I have in the pantry. It’s almost dinner time anyway.
  • Speaking of dinner time, when I call you inside for dinner, you better hear me and you better listen the first time. I do not want to be that crazy mom who is running around the neighborhood in my not so nice lounge clothes looking for you. If that happens, consider it being docked in pay and you’re inside the next night. And don’t even ask to go outside after dinner!
  • Don’t ask me 50 times if you can play in Johnny’s house. You have about 1 hour to enjoy and that means enjoy it outside. I don’t know Johnny’s parents like that so, no, you cannot play over there. Heck, I don’t even know what house they live in. Stop asking or you’re coming inside.
  • If you have your homework done, you’ve stayed outside and you came in at dinner and didn’t ever ask to play at Johnny’s house, you may get a chance to go back outside after dinner….if the streetlights are not on. If they are, that’s a night and it’s time to take a shower (because you stink like the outside) and get ready for bed. If you argue, you lose tomorrow night.

 

So, these are the rules we use. Maybe I’m mean, but it’s what fits our family and our kids. So recently, one of the boys came over and asked Aden to play outside. He, knowing the rules, told them he had to finish homework and eat before he could come out. They were a little puzzled by this. Aden, being the child who challenges everything, pressed me about why his friends can do certain things and he cannot. “Because I’m not your friend. I am your mom. My job is to make sure you can follow rules, stay safe, and be respectful. It’s not changing so stop asking.” He rolled his eyes and groaned. My reply: “That’s fine. You can stay in tonight.” Hopefully someday he will learn. And hopefully it’s before he’s an adult when we can actually be more like friends….

Why I Needed New Pajamas

~ Kara Mills ~ 1 Comment

I alluded to the 911 incident in my earlier post about hubs being away for the month of May. Here was what happened….

We drove hubs down to the course facility, about 8 hours away, and made it a fun family weekend. While there, we get an email from the landlord indicating that they will be replacing the roof on our town home the coming week. Of course it’s the first week hubs will be away! The last time roof work was done in our complex was the one and only time a unit was broken into. However, based on the police report and feedback, it was likely a person who knew the family that lived there, just a coincidence that the roofs were being replaced. But, it was still in the back of my mind. Heck, we leave our outside lights on just to help brighten things up and deter any shady activity.

Well, the first day of the roofers working, I was working from home with a sick kid (of course someone is sick while hubs is away right!?). In my many comings and goings throughout the day, I saw a worker walking around with a large bucket picking up debris. he was quite, but always had that bucket. Around 9pm they finished up for the day. I got the boys situated and hopped into bed earlier than I had expected.

At about 1am I heard something on the roof and then I heard something on our porch. I bolted up in bed, heart racing, listening for any sound. I heard a few other little things so I decided to peek out of my bedroom window. On the sidewalk, at the bottom of my porch stairs, was that same bucket carried by the debris guy, sitting upright. My heart was pounding. Is he here on my porch? Why would he be here at 1 in the morning? What do I do? Do I call the police? Do I wait and see if I’m just freaking out for nothing? What if someone is in the house? Do I get the kids before calling the police or after?

So, I called the police. Within about 10 minutes I saw the flashlights outside the window and then the doorbell rang. I confirmed it was the police and opened the door. Apparently, the bucket had been left on the roof, rolled off and had so gracefully landed right side up- making it appear that someone had just set it down. Nice. Well at least I had peace of mind. Oh, and that was also the moment I decided I needed some better pajamas. Worn maternity shorts and an old t-shirt from high school are not the nicest thing to answer the door in. So, I went back to bed (and thankfully slept) and made it my mission the next day to find some better pajamas.

Ode to Single Parents

~ Kara Mills ~ 1 Comment

For the month of May, hubs was out of state for an exam prep course. He was gone for 4 solid weeks. Four solid weeks of just me and the 3 boys: school, work, soccer, repeat. A lot of people were horrified that he was away, often remarking, “What in the world are you going to do!?”. Really, I had it easier than most. My advantage is that I knew ahead of time that he was leaving. There are many moms out there that are thrust into single parenthood without notice. If I don’t plan well, that’s on me!

I’m not saying there were no bumps in the road. We had an incident where I thought the house was being broken into and had to call 911- read about that here. We of course could not go 4 weeks without a sick kid. Seriously, enough with the fevers and ear infections already! And, in the thick of it, I had to travel for 5 days to my annual conference in Las Vegas. It was all a whirlwind. I could not have survived without hubs mom who visited often to help out (i.e. check on my sanity), or my mom who came to stay with the boys while I was gone (I’m pretty sure she will never, ever do that again!).

At the end of the month when I was thinking over everything, I was shocked at how fast it went by and also that I survived! I felt so accomplished! The last time I felt that accomplished was when I pushed a watermelon sized baby out of my body! But, I only did this single thing for a month, I had time to plan, and I had family to help in a pinch. All I could think about  were all the single parents I know that do this every day- many without ever complaining- and they’re kicking butt! I have such respect for those folks. Sure, I can toot my own horn and act all giddy that I made it one whole month without hubs (it was really just by the grace of God that we made it through!), working full time, with 3 boys. But, that was only 1 month. I knew there was an end. I had that to look forward to and keep me in a constant adrenaline rush.

So, to all my single parents, kudos to you for making it happen, all day, every day. I have so much respect for you. And when hubs is in residency and we see him maybe 3 hours a week, I may be coming to all of you for advice!

Bottling Up Moments

~ Kara Mills ~ 2 Comments

I was recently putting Asher to bed thinking about how wonderful it felt to have him melt into me while sleeping. I mean, we were basically glued together by snot and spit, and it was wonderful. It also made me think about how much I missed and probably took those moments for granted with the bigger boys. It feels like a decade ago. Well, it has been a decade! I was thinking about how awesome it would be to bottle up each of those precious moments we have. Capture everything from the smells, sounds, feels and emotions. The feeling of the chubby legs folded over my lap while his warm drooling cheek lays on my shoulder. The smell of baby wipes, Shea butter soap and bag balm (the best alternative for butt cream EVER- seriously, I had someone hug me after a suggestion to try it). All of those senses molded into one bottle that can be opened at a moment’s notice. Maybe when he goes to kindergarten, or graduates high school. Or, gulp, gets married. You know, like in the BFG by Roald Dahl. The BFG had the ability to capture everyone’s dreams and can then use them as needed. How awesome would it be to capture those moments in life that we want to cherish forever? And then when you need a reminder or are feeling emotional, you can open it up and live it all over again. Not just visually or by hearing it, but by feeling it.

As a mom, it’s hard to always remember to embrace every moment. Outside of working away from home, there are so many things that are consuming time when I get home. Dinner, homework, baths, school clothes, laundry, just to name a few. Notice I didn’t even mention cleaning. I suppose that falls in there as well. Everyone always says to embrace the moment, time passes so fast, <insert Hallmark line here>. But, on the flip side, there is this underlying expectation that standards need to be met in order to be a successful mom and feel like you’ve accomplished something. People can see your clean house, taste your good food and evaluate the completed homework. No one may see that you rocked the baby for an extra 20 minutes just to smell their recently washed hair, or told the kiddos a crazy, homemade bed time story before bed. We count everything in minutes of a day. It’s 30 minute to make dinner, 1 hour for homework, 8 hours of work, etc. We don’t necessarily count moments of the day. It’s easy to say that the kids have to go to bed now because I have an hour worth of laundry to fold. But really, what’s an extra 20 minutes to cuddle? You can’t bottle that up, but you sure can the laundry! And I don’t know about you, but I would love to bottle up that laundry and send it away! While I’m not saying live in squalor, I do believe instead of doing things we feel pressured to do, adjust the schedule with things we know will have a greater impact on how we feel about time and those moments that often pass us by.

The point of my bottled up soapbox is that until we can feel less pressure (real or not) about how we’re conducting ourselves as moms, we will not change. I’m so guilty of that. I see magazines that show me how a perfect house looks. How to “really clean” in only 30 minutes a week. Or how to make a healthy meal in only 10 minutes a day. There is a fix for everything, but limited time or resources to implement it. So, instead of saying “oh well” and not stressing over what I had planned on making for dinner, I’m making my 30 minute meal feeling guilty for the extra 20 minutes I could be using elsewhere. I’m sure not everyone feels the pressure from those types of articles. Heck, maybe I’m a glutton for punishment? I too get sucked into the depths of Pinterest on occasion looking for a better solution to dinner ideas, cleaning, school and whatever the stress of the moment is. I’m working on caring less about how things are structured and what others may think about how my house looks or what we’re having for dinner. But, it’s not easy when, based on conversations I’ve had with folks who like to “keep it real”, it appears most people are masquerading about the home front because it’s too embarrassing or too disappointing to admit they had cereal for dinner or had to rewash the items in the washer 3 times before remembering to put it in the dryer. When I hear that, I feel better knowing I’m not the only one. But then wonder too, how many other moms feel that pressure and we’re all too ashamed to say anything? So, while you ponder that, I am going to cuddle my baby!

Earning My Cape

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

It’s not often that I can say I’ve had a “super mom” moment. Actually, there are seldom times like that because I feel when I do have moments that seem that I’ve accomplished something, it’s part of the expected duties as a mom, so it really doesn’t count as anything. However, I recently had a moment where I earned that infamous “super mom cape”.

I was in Puerto Rico for work (tough life right?). Hubs and I had figured out all of the miscellaneous details of kids, schedules, school, etc. and I knew it was going to be just fine. Because we’re working from about 6am to 10pm daily, there is not a lot of time to do much of anything else. This means that if I have a moment to talk to hubs and the kids, I’m asking them how their day was, instead of reminding them of everything. Well, it just so happens there was a field trip on the Friday I was gone. It was an “in school” field trip. I suppose both hubs and I didn’t think much of it since it was in school and it was one day of the week when Elijah would actually eat whatever was on the hot lunch menu. I neglected to remember that for in school field trips you need to bring a lunch because you do not eat at the time hot lunch is served. Oops.

Well, that morning I got a call from Elijah, concerned because he didn’t have a lunch for the day. He remembered that I had signed him up for the event and thought maybe I had something figured out for his lunch. Um yeah, hot lunch. Well, hubs was over an hour away from the school and I clearly was not able to get there anytime soon. After some back and forth calls and texts with hubs, I had the Jimmy John’s website queued up and ready to deliver a sandwich for lunch time. However, I didn’t want to be the mom that had food delivered for her kid and the PTA protest me for giving him processed food- or something like that. I asked to speak to his teacher just to make sure it would be okay. I explained that I was out of the state traveling and hubs was at class and we had gotten our wires crossed. She assured me that it would be fine to have food delivered, but the cafeteria can also provide him a bag lunch. What?! You mean I didn’t have to order the freaky fast subs after all? Sweet! So, by the end of the day, Elijah had a lunch, hubs was (relatively) uninterrupted in his class and all of that was done while I was on a break from the general session, in Puerto Rico. Best of all, we all got a good laugh out of it. Well maybe not Elijah. They gave him a PB&J (he hates peanut butter). But, better than not eating right? So, all in all, not too bad if you ask me.

Full Circle

~ Kara Mills ~ 2 Comments

Almost 1 year ago- to the day- I published my first blog post. I really wasn’t sure what would happen with it. Would I post once and walk away having checked an item off my bucket list? Would it become a sensational piece of writing and I could retire young? Okay- I really wasn’t holding my breath for that one. Would I even continue on to be able to celebrate 1 year of therapeutic writing? All kinds of questions came to mind. I can actually remember it, vividly. I remember it because I was sitting in a hotel room in Las Vegas, having been at a conference all day for work, and decided on a whim it was time for ME to have a “hobby”. Something outside of work that I can use as a medium and voice I wouldn’t otherwise have. So, here I am, full circle, because I am sitting in a hotel room- in Phoenix this time for work- thinking about what I should do. I like writing, I’ve been told by some that I’m decent at it (thank you by the way- even if you’re exaggerating!). It’s been interesting to share some stories along the way that I feel are entertaining, and even educational at times. So, in honor of this blogiversary, I am listing a few things I have learned over the last year.

  • Any posts written about hubs and/or medical school always had the most views. I make 2 conclusions from this. The first is that hubs is a pretty awesome guy (which is why I married him!) so he of course would be interesting to read about because who goes back to medical school at our age?! The second is that perhaps most of the people reading those posts are friends/classmates of hubs and that is what drives the traffic. That kind of makes sense, except that I thought all they did was study in med school. Maybe I was mistaken…
  • Having a blog is like having a business, without the need to for taxes. I feel like there is some component of marketing and customer interaction but I don’t have to worry about filing taxes and I have free reign in what I say. Kind of awesome if you ask me!
  • There is a very dedicated group of folks who write often, interact often and have a ba-zillion followers through all of the different avenues. I am not one of those. I made a commitment to myself that I would post at least once a month and I have done so over the last year. I may try to do more but why put the pressure on and make it not fun?
  • I was able to write about the relevant, irritating, entertaining first world problems that we encounter on a daily basis. I am not changing the world with this blog, but I hope that it can make someone smile. And perhaps, in a small, butterfly effect kind of way that can have a positive impact the world? Am I grasping for straws?
  • It made me realize that an item on my bucket list, writing a book, is actually a possibility. Now, I didn’t say it would be a GOOD book, just a book. Someday. Not now. Med school and book writing are akin to mixing oil and water.

So, it’s not a profound list, just a few notable items. I will truck along and see what the next year of writing brings. Hopefully less writers block and more entertaining topics to share! Thank you to all who read, encourage me, and tell others about my writing. I’m always open for suggestions and really do value your input! Happy reading!

Constructive Criticism & Grammar

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

Morning car rides with the boys usually produces one of two things: fights (the more common one) or quizzical conversation. For example, one morning a while back, Elijah asked me what the battle strategy for the civil war was and why they picked it. How to they set specific speed limits? I also once received a full explanation of the different types of moons. You get the idea. It’s a plethora of things that I usually cannot answer, but I do enjoy listening. Sometimes, if I’m lucky, one boy will ask and the other will answer. That makes for the most entertainment.

So, last week we’re driving to school and the following dialog occurs:

Elijah: “Aden, I think it will be good when you begin studying grammar because you do not always have the correct grammar.” I laugh to myself because of the matter-of-fact tone of his statement (he often reminds me of Sheldon from Big Bang Theory).

Aden: “That’s not nice!”

Me: “Elijah, maybe you should have said that in a nicer way, use constructive criticism.”

Elijah: “What does that mean?!” He’s clearly annoyed that his very honest statement was being put into question.

Me: “It means to be more constructive while giving critiques. For example, if you’re using a long and complicated way to figure out a math problem and there is an easier way, I might suggest another way by saying ‘you’re idea is good but let’s try another method too’ instead of saying ‘you have a bad way of doing math’.”

Elijah: “It’s too hard to do that!” In Elijah speak, that means what he said was honest so why sugar coat it? I think about it, I suppose he’s not incorrect, but you know the old saying, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Aden: “Elijah, you should really say nicer things to me because what if I learn from you and say something mean about someone else’s grammars?” Yes folks, grammars.

Elijah: “That’s EXACTLY what I mean. Grammars! Really Aden! You can’t even say that correct!” He’s totally exasperated at this point.

Thank you Aden, for proving his point. Never a dull moment. Ever.

Weeks In Review: From Puking to #DistractinglySexy

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

In the true spirit of “memoirs”, here are a few that have happened recently. I feel like the adventures that happen daily as a (working) mom can be exhausting when happening all in the same day. Clearly God had mercy on me and all of these things happened over the course of 2 weeks, which I suppose makes it more bearable. Maybe we’re just lucky, or maybe this is normal for you too?? I’m interested to hear…. Continue reading →