Surviving

To Post…?

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been milling over a few ideas for writing lately. My passion and reason for starting the blog in the first place is to have an outlet for my struggles as a working mom and to hear from other working moms. What works, what doesn’t? What silly things happen that we can share and laugh about (maybe not right, away but hopefully someday!)?

One thing I’ve seen a lot in the news lately, aside from raunchy politics, are stories about women “leaning in”, maternity leave, and imbalance in the workplace. These are not new topics. I think we beat it like a dead horse expecting things to get better, but the definition of insanity applies here. If we don’t change the discussion, how do we expect things to change? I actually wrote a post and, as sorry as it sounds, I’m a little scare to publish it. What if I’m the only one feeling or experiencing these things? I’m sure I’m not, after all, it’s on the news all the time. But I’m curious to hear what you’ve experienced in your career growth. In my post, I only touch the tip of the iceberg regarding maternity leave, career growth and the struggle of balancing working and home. I was hoping to gather examples or thoughts from readers to compile a more comprehensive post and ignite a discussion regarding these topics. Yes, these can be very passionate discussions, but I think it’s time to start another thread- and perhaps in a more unconventional way. I want to hear from everyone- not just working moms. Both SAHM’s and dads, give feedback and thoughts too. I want to know what people are experiencing in regards to maternity leave and growing in your career. What is the craziest thing someone has ever said to you in regards to your gender? What is the perception you’ve seen in your career as a working mom? Has it gotten better or worse?

With your permission, I will take the feedback and finalize the blog post and get the discussion going. If you want it used anonymously, feel free to message me your comment. This might be a small start, but any little piece can help to move the discussion forward. If not for our generation, then hopefully for our children. Ready, set, go!

Earning My Cape

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

It’s not often that I can say I’ve had a “super mom” moment. Actually, there are seldom times like that because I feel when I do have moments that seem that I’ve accomplished something, it’s part of the expected duties as a mom, so it really doesn’t count as anything. However, I recently had a moment where I earned that infamous “super mom cape”.

I was in Puerto Rico for work (tough life right?). Hubs and I had figured out all of the miscellaneous details of kids, schedules, school, etc. and I knew it was going to be just fine. Because we’re working from about 6am to 10pm daily, there is not a lot of time to do much of anything else. This means that if I have a moment to talk to hubs and the kids, I’m asking them how their day was, instead of reminding them of everything. Well, it just so happens there was a field trip on the Friday I was gone. It was an “in school” field trip. I suppose both hubs and I didn’t think much of it since it was in school and it was one day of the week when Elijah would actually eat whatever was on the hot lunch menu. I neglected to remember that for in school field trips you need to bring a lunch because you do not eat at the time hot lunch is served. Oops.

Well, that morning I got a call from Elijah, concerned because he didn’t have a lunch for the day. He remembered that I had signed him up for the event and thought maybe I had something figured out for his lunch. Um yeah, hot lunch. Well, hubs was over an hour away from the school and I clearly was not able to get there anytime soon. After some back and forth calls and texts with hubs, I had the Jimmy John’s website queued up and ready to deliver a sandwich for lunch time. However, I didn’t want to be the mom that had food delivered for her kid and the PTA protest me for giving him processed food- or something like that. I asked to speak to his teacher just to make sure it would be okay. I explained that I was out of the state traveling and hubs was at class and we had gotten our wires crossed. She assured me that it would be fine to have food delivered, but the cafeteria can also provide him a bag lunch. What?! You mean I didn’t have to order the freaky fast subs after all? Sweet! So, by the end of the day, Elijah had a lunch, hubs was (relatively) uninterrupted in his class and all of that was done while I was on a break from the general session, in Puerto Rico. Best of all, we all got a good laugh out of it. Well maybe not Elijah. They gave him a PB&J (he hates peanut butter). But, better than not eating right? So, all in all, not too bad if you ask me.

TO: The Others (“Med Student +1”)

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

Part of being the “+1” of a med student is learning to cope while life, as you know it, changes. It doesn’t matter if you’re dating, married, or married with kids. Life changes. A lot. And it’s not pretty at all. I try hard to stay smiling and keep my head up for hubs, after all, he’s in the thick of it. It’s best if he has one less thing to worry about. However, I am human. I started blogging as one outlet, but it tends to be a one sided conversation so that’s not always therapeutic.

Towards the end of last school year a professor at the med school asked hubs if I would be interested in starting a spouse/partner support group for the undergraduate medical students. I decided it was worth a shot. I’m not a group leader of anything so I wasn’t really sure what to do. I really wanted to hear what others expected out of the group. I thought, based on how I was feeling, it didn’t seem to make sense to do some big, extravagant get together and act like everything is perfect. It’s not. Life is chaotic on a good day and more often than not, I feel like I’m sharing hubs with 179 other people. It seems a little Facebookish to pretend it’s fine when it’s not. I really wanted to hear what others had in mind. So I brought lots of food and hoped it would cover the fact I had no set plan. Of course I had a small panic attack while I was heading to the meeting. What if I’m really the happiest person there and everyone else is on the brink of disaster? Or, what if I’m Debbie Downer? Or what if I’m the only one who shows up?! I’m happy to say that none of the above happened. We had about 7 or 8 people attend and they’re all incredible! They have good days and bad ones. It’s been challenging and every single frustration or story that was shared was wholeheartedly agreed upon by other group members. It was amazing!

So, for those that have a person in med school (or any other similar situation), here are some words of advice as stated by folks in the group.

  • You are NOT ALONE! If you’re person is not alone in their situation, you’re not the only person in yours. Find your peers and vent together, smile together or just know you have each other when needed.
  • It’s always changing. Each semester changes and new challenges are introduced while old ones (if we’re lucky) go away. Be prepared for change and embrace it as an opportunity to see what you are capable of.
  • Share the good, bad, and ugly of what you’re going through and expect that almost everyone (outside of your group of peers) will not understand. It’s okay to be human and no one should expect you to be perfect all of the time.
  • Take it one step at a time. Don’t look at all of the different tasks over the next several years. Handle it a task at a time. For example, don’t stress about where you will match for residency your first year. You have a few years before that comes up.
  • COMMUNICATE!!! I cannot stress this enough! Everyone in the group said this too- talking about things makes it easier when tough stuff comes up- which will happen. Even if it takes them 2 days to text you back, keep trying, don’t give up!

For those of you who are friends or family to the “+1”, here are a few bits of advice:

  • Be kind. We know that this was a choice. It’s not like our person woke up one day and was required to go to med school. They chose to go. But when we’re having a bad day, we don’t need you to remind us that “you chose this, deal with it”. Sometimes we just need to vent.
  • This ties into the first point of being kind. Allow us to be grumpy, depressed, have a bad day, or whatever we need. There are periods of time where things really are crappy- and that is putting it really nice. Sometimes we need a moment to have a pity party and then move on. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows here people!
  • Stop acting like med school takes 3 decades to complete. It’s only 4 years and then residency. Most people agree that when you have kids, you blink your eyes and they go from a baby to elementary school. The same applies to our med school person. I can hardly believe that hubs is half way through his second year. It doesn’t seem possible!
  • Please don’t assume that just because hubs will be a doctor that I no longer want to work and I will be a “Doctor’s Wife” (said with my best snooty enthusiasm). He was a teacher when we married so I clearly didn’t marry him for his money. I built up my own career and enjoy it. Not to mention we will have a ba-zillion dollars of med school loans to pay off so I’m pretty sure I’ll be working until I’m 110.
  • Don’t be offended if you do not get first dibs at the med student. As a “+1” we wait patiently day after day, text after text, waiting to hear back from our person, daydreaming of an extravagant date night watching DVR reruns of The Blacklist and eating old takeout. We’ve dealt with their roller coaster of emotions during these different blocks of classes and have earned that alone time. Don’t worry, you’ll get your time, just be patient.

I’m sure there is a lot more- which I would love to hear. But most of all, don’t give up. Know you’re not alone and that the end of this grueling process is not far away. It’s worth it.

Band-Aids and Body Wash

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

There are two things that I am learning I need to buy in bulk: Band-Aids and body wash. Maybe I should just buy stock in a few specific companies knowing my family alone could keep them in business. Seriously. I could watch the profits soar.

Band-Aids are a serious matter in our house. We have one kid who truly has to be gushing blood before he puts one on, while the other makes up for all of his brothers combined. No joke, we went through a whole box of Band-Aids in a month. In the winter. Nothing happens in the winter! They’re not outside riding bikes, scraping knees. You have a paper cut? You better get the super, mega, large Band-Aid and put it on so your finger doesn’t fall off. You have a bruise? You definitely need a Band-Aid! You thought you were almost going to hurt your leg? Yup, you need one there too. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some valid injuries, as anyone with boys can understand. But the nonsense with the amount of Band-Aids is getting ridiculous. I spent over $30 at the store buying more because I wanted to make sure we had some around when we really need them. I get it though, as a kid, they’re supposed to make everything better. Even as I write this post, he’s in the bathroom removing a splinter and getting a Band-Aid. Don’t believe me? Ask hubs, he’s our in-resident doctor that is digging it out. He will for sure prescribe him a Band-Aid.

Band-Aids are one thing, but body wash, now that another story. I never thought we would go through body wash the way we do. Bars of soap are not a great option for boys, at least in our house. Think of bars of soap rocket propelling over the shower curtains or being slid around the tub like a Crisco coated bobsled on ice. I had thought providing body soap was like loss prevention at our house. Until I stepped in the shower, in a puddle of soap, and nearly kicked a hole through the wall. Really, sliding around like that at 5am is not the makings for a great day. It was literally half a bottle of soap that I had bought the day before. I think I was more upset that it was almost gone, rather than the fact I nearly broke my back. Even in weeks where the soap wasn’t spilled all over the shower, I couldn’t figure out where in the heck the stuff was going. I mean really, their bodies are a quarter of my size but they use 10 times as much body wash? Am I not washing myself that well? So, I spied. I saw one of the boys dump the body wash in his hand until it was spilling out. And, of course, it inevitably falls out as he begins washing, so he needs more. This was repeated 2 or 3 times. Ahh, that explains it. Now I see why a 20 ounce bottle can be eliminated in a week on a 40 pound child. How silly of me to think otherwise! Well, in an effort to save money so we could send our kids to college, I went on the hunt for a mega size bottle. With a pump. I figured either the bottle would be too heavy to pour, or they would be inclined to use the pump. I found a large bottle that I am happy to say had managed to stay with us for more than 2 months now! That’s totally a record.

It will get to a certain point where our other “well intended” child will like to “help out” by mixing body wash with our shampoo and conditioner. For example, one morning I begin washing my hair with my overpriced salon shampoo and realize, that in addition to the flower and herb smell I was used to, I was smelling peaches with a hint of cologne. Yup, he had mixed my shampoo with their body wash and hubs body wash. His justification was that he was making everything one step for me. I could wash my hair and my body with everything in there. I did get a little worried because I realized that the toilet bowl cleaner was right outside of the shower. He assured me he only used products for the body. I now buy hair products that don’t allow you to take the tops off.

So, the moral of the story: if you have a boy, you may want to stock up on these 2 items now. I’m sure as they get older, there will be something else. Please, share with me what they are so I can plan now. I need to get ahead of the curve!

Control Your Child

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

I am not a confrontational person, I can usually find a way around very confrontational moments. Maybe the “Minnesota Nice” has grown on me, but I really try to avoid them. But, when it comes to my kids, like most moms, we can usually step out of our comfort zone when needed. Well, today was the day I managed to defy my own odds. We were celebrating Asher’s first birthday with family and friends. It was a beautiful day, sunny with a light breeze, perfect for our playground/splash pad party. We arrived early to set everything up. By the end of the party, the kids were having a blast and the parents were relaxing and enjoying conversation. At one point the kids came to us upset because another child on the playground was squirting them in the face with a squirt gun. At point blank range. So, our initial response was to tell them to tell the child not to do that. Ask him nicely to stop, if he doesn’t then come back and get us. Kids will be kids right? I do realize, my kids aren’t perfect. Honestly, it’s usually me having to tell them to take it easy, watch out for little kids, quit running. You get the picture. Besides, who knows if they were playing back as kids tend to do? But really, who brings a water gun to a splash pad? Isn’t there enough water anyway? Continue reading →

The First Year of Medical School- From the Wife’s Perspective

~ Kara Mills ~ 3 Comments

Well, it’s finally over! The first year of med school is behind us! I do say “us” because, although hubs had to suffer through crazy hours, studying, and terminology that I think he may never use again, life was crazy for me. Life with a full time job and 3 kids is crazy as it is, throw in med school and that’s just complete chaos- on a good day. I’m not complaining, I’m just keeping it real. Either way, it’s behind us. So, one year down, three more to go until we can call him Dr. Hubs. Similar to my post about applying to med school, I thought it would be good to recap the first year. There were a number of things that I observed as the spouse of a first year med student, that I’m sure friends and family may have noticed as well. Here are a few that are worth noting.

Continue reading →

Weeks In Review: From Puking to #DistractinglySexy

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

In the true spirit of “memoirs”, here are a few that have happened recently. I feel like the adventures that happen daily as a (working) mom can be exhausting when happening all in the same day. Clearly God had mercy on me and all of these things happened over the course of 2 weeks, which I suppose makes it more bearable. Maybe we’re just lucky, or maybe this is normal for you too?? I’m interested to hear…. Continue reading →

For Moms (and Dads) of Boys

~ Kara Mills ~ 6 Comments

We know a bit about raising boys. I mean, at least until they’re in elementary school. We haven’t made it to the teenage years (which I hear is way easier than having a teenage girl), but I feel like there are a number of items that we have on our list of things we need to teach them. I am fortunate because my mother-in-law taught hubs well, so when we first started dating, I really didn’t face a lot of the things mentioned below. I’ve just heard about them from friends and co-workers over the years. Sometimes they’re complaining, other times they’re just stating a fact, like they know that’s how it’s always going to be. It made me realize that there are some things I need to make sure they are taught. Hopefully that will give me a shot at a healthier relationship with my daughter-in-laws someday. Well, as healthy as that relationship can be I suppose. Continue reading →

Why I Work- A Soapbox

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

It’s been crazy busy lately- thus the no posting for almost a month. But, it’s about time I got on my soapbox, so bear with me. I have chosen to work, have a career, whatever you want to call it, for 3 reasons.

1) I’ve often talked about work serving as a creative outlet for me. I love what I do so it’s not just “work”, but also something I enjoy, and that I’m good at.

2) It’s time away from our home routine that allows me to recharge.

3) It’s also the challenge of working through the red tape, politics, and silly little situations that keeps me challenged. It also makes me a little crazy sometimes, but isn’t that part of a good challenge??

Continue reading →

Reevaluating

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

Lately, I’ve been at an interesting point in my career. I’ve been in my field for over 10 years and am lucky enough to be doing what I love. I would have never, in a million years, thought that I would be working in the restaurant industry, that’s for sure. However, there is still so much more I would like to do. I’m thankful enough that I can also talk openly about my aspirations with my boss and others at my job, so I don’t feel like I’ve hit any type of “ceiling”. The more challenging part is figuring out that work-life balance. Basically, a load of crap if you ask me. When I look at all of the items on our family’s plate, leaning in feels more like falling on my face. With hubs in med school, I’m working full time and then 3 kids all over the place it doesn’t seem possible to do more. That is, if I were on my own. I sometimes discount hubs (sorry babe!).

I was talking with hubs and explaining how I had ideas of a few things I would like to do, but I knew that it would take more time on my end at work. Meaning, we would have to work together on our schedule. Honestly, I had almost expected the response to be maybe I should hold off for a while until he is done and then I’ll focus on my stuff. Instead, he said, “We’ll figure it out. We will plan ahead, accordingly as needed”. And that was that. It was genuine and absolutely final.

If only work life balance were that easy right? Fast forward a couple of weeks and we’re, yet again, battling a bad virus that is spreading through our house, despite my never ending bleaching and cleaning. So, just as I’m thinking that maybe this might be easier than I thought, everyone starts getting sick and hubs has some mandatory school stuff. That means that I am the on-call parent this week, which is the case most weeks with his crazy schedule. It doesn’t seem like balance can be part of the vocabulary at that point. Of course, it’s always a little difficult to see the sunshine through the Lysol haze. After a few moments of deep breathing (away from the fumes of course) I was reminded of what a co-worker had told me. Balance is not always even all the time. It’s a give and take process. Some weeks will be 90% home and 10% work and others will be the opposite. It’s finding the right balance of a percentage, to make both places not fall apart, that makes it a good work-life balance. So, while this week may seem chaotic, the next several could be back to normal and totally manageable. Plus, having a spouse who is a PARTNER in the relationship and who encourages me, makes all the difference in the world.