Family

When Will It End?

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

I don’t typically write controversial stuff. I woke up last night and checked my phone to see what time it was. I saw a bunch of news updates about the shootings in Dallas. Coupled with the recent shootings of civilians, my heart was heavy. I tried going back to sleep and couldn’t. So, I started typing.

I’m not sure if living in Minnesota makes it different. We’re closer to what has happened. If we lived in Maine or Montana, maybe it would be easier to say how unfortunate it was and what a crazy world we live in. But we live so close. So close that hubs was actually pulled over twice in a month in that same jurisdiction for minimal reasons. It hits very close to home. Proximity to the events shouldn’t matter, but I feel often it’s easier to just change a channel or turn off social media and pretend nothing terrible has happened. We have a problem. We as a country. Is it the culture of the police forces, the frustration of the black citizens? Where does it stop? How and when can we “start over”? I get that some were “justified” (rightly or not- I’m strictly speaking based on the findings of the legal system). But how, even when you do what you’re told, you still get shot. How can that help? How can we move past that? Are police trigger happy because they’re expecting the worst? Are black citizens on edge because they’re assuming they’re going to get shot and ultimately the energy becomes fatal?

It is not just about being confronted by police and getting shot. It starts before that. It’s about being singled out because of the pigment of your skin. About having a higher chance of getting pulled over because you aren’t as pasty white as me. Hubs was on his way to an ambulance ride along for school. He was dressed in business casual (not that it should even matter). It was early in the morning, still dark out. As he was nearing the hospital, he got pulled over for burnt out taillight. After a few preliminary questions, he was given a warning and left. A few weeks later, in that same jurisdiction, he was pulled over because a small part of the tag on the license plate was behind the license plate holder (apparently that’s a thing we weren’t aware of in MN). Why wasn’t it addressed in the first stop? Thank GOD the incidents were eventless. He was covered, lucky, blessed, whatever you want to call it- but he walked away.

I fear for him, my 3 boys and our countless friends and family. I have family and friends who are police officers, both black and white. I fear for them. I fear because I don’t assume the police will always shoot. I fear because nowadays a simple misunderstanding can take a life. Has it become a shoot now, ask questions later society? I’m not saying that all police are trigger happy. People are angry. Angry at a system that that we’ve been taught is supposed to serve and protect, yet people are being killed with little cause in some cases. But how can you generalize a whole population of police based on the actions of some ill trained or bad apples? Isn’t that the same as generalizing the whole black population as thugs? The cycle has to stop- but where?

I know not everyone agrees. If you don’t see a problem with what has been happening, please take a moment and walk through this with me. Imagine you are minding your own business, driving home from a long day of work, and are pulled over. Imagine, instead of the officer simply asking for your ID, you’re asked to put your hands in the air. Of course you’re puzzled. This is just a routine traffic stop and you certainly have nothing to hide or to harm right? The police officer approaches the vehicle with caution and you can see that there is tension. You are asked to step out of the car. Seriously! For a traffic stop? You don’t understand and you begin to ask. “Officer, what is the problem? Is there something I should be aware of?” The officer, feeling that you’re asking too many questions, asks you to put your hands behind your head and to stop talking. Because you’re puzzled and wondering what the heck is going on, you ask again. This time, the officer, feeling that you’re resisting the instructions, escorts you to the ground roughly. Your arm hurts, it’s pinned behind your back and you are still in shock as to why this is even happening. You should be sitting at home right this minute with your spouse, children, pets, whatever. You should not be on the ground, outside of your car, pinned by a police officer that is now shouting at you to sit still and quit resisting. Still not understanding how it has even escalated to this point, you ask again what is happening. Now you feel a weapon on your back. You are getting verbal warnings to stop talking. A simple misunderstanding, confusion, and it could end very badly. This was a routine traffic stop. Imagine now, that the person in this scenario is your child, your sibling. Can you begin to understand how terrifying this is for parents? For spouses? Families?

As a country, we need prayer, lots of it. We need to come together, ALL of us, and have a grown up discussion. Instead of talking about the symptoms, we need to talk about the actual disease that is plaguing our nation. We need to have a civilized discussion where all opinions can be heard and respected. Where people can talk openly without repercussions and criticism. We need people to step outside of their comfortable zones and see what is really happening. It’s easy to turn away and pretend this chaos does not exist. When you don’t feel it or know someone who could be a target, it’s easy to just nod politely and go about your business.

Also, do not misunderstand me. I am in NO WAY saying that one person’s life is more important than another. Historically black Americans were seen as “less than”. That perception, that has been dragged into modern day, in a nonchalant kind of way, needs to end. Black, white, police, civilian- we are all equal.

We cannot correct this issue until ALL people start to understand it and have sympathy of what is going on. I’ve had so many people tell me that racism doesn’t exist, racial profiling is fake. That is the ignorance that fuels this fire! I will be praying for our leaders, current and incoming. I’m praying that this might be addressed as passionately as the economy and terrorism. If we as a community, a state, a nation, do not push to make a change, when will it end?

Bottling Up Moments

~ Kara Mills ~ 2 Comments

I was recently putting Asher to bed thinking about how wonderful it felt to have him melt into me while sleeping. I mean, we were basically glued together by snot and spit, and it was wonderful. It also made me think about how much I missed and probably took those moments for granted with the bigger boys. It feels like a decade ago. Well, it has been a decade! I was thinking about how awesome it would be to bottle up each of those precious moments we have. Capture everything from the smells, sounds, feels and emotions. The feeling of the chubby legs folded over my lap while his warm drooling cheek lays on my shoulder. The smell of baby wipes, Shea butter soap and bag balm (the best alternative for butt cream EVER- seriously, I had someone hug me after a suggestion to try it). All of those senses molded into one bottle that can be opened at a moment’s notice. Maybe when he goes to kindergarten, or graduates high school. Or, gulp, gets married. You know, like in the BFG by Roald Dahl. The BFG had the ability to capture everyone’s dreams and can then use them as needed. How awesome would it be to capture those moments in life that we want to cherish forever? And then when you need a reminder or are feeling emotional, you can open it up and live it all over again. Not just visually or by hearing it, but by feeling it.

As a mom, it’s hard to always remember to embrace every moment. Outside of working away from home, there are so many things that are consuming time when I get home. Dinner, homework, baths, school clothes, laundry, just to name a few. Notice I didn’t even mention cleaning. I suppose that falls in there as well. Everyone always says to embrace the moment, time passes so fast, <insert Hallmark line here>. But, on the flip side, there is this underlying expectation that standards need to be met in order to be a successful mom and feel like you’ve accomplished something. People can see your clean house, taste your good food and evaluate the completed homework. No one may see that you rocked the baby for an extra 20 minutes just to smell their recently washed hair, or told the kiddos a crazy, homemade bed time story before bed. We count everything in minutes of a day. It’s 30 minute to make dinner, 1 hour for homework, 8 hours of work, etc. We don’t necessarily count moments of the day. It’s easy to say that the kids have to go to bed now because I have an hour worth of laundry to fold. But really, what’s an extra 20 minutes to cuddle? You can’t bottle that up, but you sure can the laundry! And I don’t know about you, but I would love to bottle up that laundry and send it away! While I’m not saying live in squalor, I do believe instead of doing things we feel pressured to do, adjust the schedule with things we know will have a greater impact on how we feel about time and those moments that often pass us by.

The point of my bottled up soapbox is that until we can feel less pressure (real or not) about how we’re conducting ourselves as moms, we will not change. I’m so guilty of that. I see magazines that show me how a perfect house looks. How to “really clean” in only 30 minutes a week. Or how to make a healthy meal in only 10 minutes a day. There is a fix for everything, but limited time or resources to implement it. So, instead of saying “oh well” and not stressing over what I had planned on making for dinner, I’m making my 30 minute meal feeling guilty for the extra 20 minutes I could be using elsewhere. I’m sure not everyone feels the pressure from those types of articles. Heck, maybe I’m a glutton for punishment? I too get sucked into the depths of Pinterest on occasion looking for a better solution to dinner ideas, cleaning, school and whatever the stress of the moment is. I’m working on caring less about how things are structured and what others may think about how my house looks or what we’re having for dinner. But, it’s not easy when, based on conversations I’ve had with folks who like to “keep it real”, it appears most people are masquerading about the home front because it’s too embarrassing or too disappointing to admit they had cereal for dinner or had to rewash the items in the washer 3 times before remembering to put it in the dryer. When I hear that, I feel better knowing I’m not the only one. But then wonder too, how many other moms feel that pressure and we’re all too ashamed to say anything? So, while you ponder that, I am going to cuddle my baby!

Hammering the Walls

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

Here’s a Friday funny for you. A few weeks ago I was working from home during the middle of the week and hubs was in and out of the house for meetings and appointments. As I was sitting in the living room, I heard some thumping coming from our neighbors place. So, I smiled and mentioned to hubs that it sounded like there was some fun being had next door. He told me to get my head out of the gutter, it’s probably not that!

Well, last week when I was traveling, hubs was running around getting the boys situated and realized that Aden was bouncing a ball off of the wall repeatedly. He scolded him and said to stop bouncing it on the wall and have respect for the neighbors. Aden’s reply, “Well, they don’t have respect for us because I hear them hammering the walls EVERY night!”. So, after a sheepish correction, hubs admitted that I was probably right in what I had heard a few weeks ago. I can only believe that Aden is imagining their wall covered in picture frames. Why else would you be hammering all the time?

Happy weekend!

A Very Special Blanket

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

I love blankets. I kind of feel like you can never have enough of them. Well, unless you have limited storage space like we do. But really, who doesn’t love a great blanket to snuggle under?! The big boys have a variety of blankets they have been gifted over the years so when I was pregnant with Asher I made it a point to get at least 1 blanket that was “just his”. It wasn’t a hand-me-down like most everything else he has. For one of my showers, a dear friend got Asher a blanket as well. This was not just any blanket, it had characters on it. Now, some people know that I am not a fan of character covered anything. It’s just not my thing. So, when I first peeked a glimpse of the blanket I was a little worried. Please don’t let it be one of those newer, creepy cartoon characters. You know, the ones that are on TV now that are so different from the Saturday morning cartoons we used to watch. Anyway, I saw that it was a Toy Story blanket, one of Hub’s favorite Disney movies. I guess it can’t be that bad right? I pulled the blanket out and it was a big double lined fleece blanket with Toy Story characters and soft fringe. It even had Asher’s initials in the corner. ADORABLE! Gasp! Was I really liking a character blanket?? I guess this third baby was making me soft!

Fast forward about a year and we’ve begun using it regularly in Asher’s playpen (you know how you can’t have blankets within 10 feet of a baby while they’re sleeping so we waited to use the big blankets until then). When we were packing for our trip to Michigan over Christmas, I thought it would be the perfect blanket to bring along. It’s big and cozy and he really seemed to be loving it. I also brought 2 of his other favorite blankets hoping to make his “mobile” sleeping experience a little better.

About half way through our trip, on our way to my parent’s house, we encountered some pretty nasty weather. It was cold, so cold that the buckle on the car top luggage carrier broke clean off and we had to CRAM everything in the back of the car. As I was driving, we noticed that traffic suddenly slowed down. We were in the far left lane and just up ahead there was a car that had crashed so hard into the concrete median that is was propped up at an angle. Just beyond that was another car that also appeared to have crashed and it’s front bumper was on the ground. There was a lady standing near the propped up car but there were no emergency vehicles there yet. As we begun to pass the second car, we realized that what we thought was a bumper on the ground was actually a woman lying in the snow on the shoulder of the road. I pulled over and hubs jumped out to go check on her. The boys, of course alarmed by seeing what they thought was a dead body on the side of the road, began praying for her. We prayed for the people in the accident, those who were helping and those on their way. A few moments later hubs came running back looking to see if we had any blankets available to cover her up. She was likely okay- probably just in shock. They didn’t want to move her but it was too cold to keep her uncovered. All we had were Asher’s 3 favorite blankets. So, without much thought, we dug them out of the back of the car (I literally had some of our luggage sitting on the side of I-94 trying to find things) and he took them back over to cover her up. When I got back in the car, I was torn. Do I just say keep the blankets? The other 2 blankets were hand-me-downs and although he loved them, he really loved the Toy Story blanket. And it has his initials on it. But do I sound like a selfish jerk asking for that back? And then I realize I sound even more of an idiot because I’m worried about that while this lady is laying on the side of the road in the snow. After a bit, the police showed up, got Hubs statement, and then sent him on his way. He got back in the car and said that he told them to keep the blankets. Without any forethought to my words, I told him we needed the Toy Story one back. It has his initials, it was a gift, and he loves it. So, because he’s wonderful, he went back and got the blanket (they were getting her into the ambulance by then so she was no longer using the blankets). So, after a good washing at my mom’s house, he was able to snuggle back up with his blanket. He’s been using that at bed ever since.

It wasn’t until earlier last week I realized how much he loves that blanket though. I had it in the laundry and was washing it for the second time because I had let it sit in the washer too long. Anyone else do that? I finally had it in the dryer when I was putting Asher to bed. I grabbed another fleece blanket and tucked him in. He was not interested in going to bed, which is weird because he basically puts himself to bed every night. He literally takes us to his room, has us rock him, and then points to his crib when he’s ready to go to sleep. So for him to be fussy was unusual. I figured that the easy bedtime was a phase and he would have to cry it out. Well, over 30 minutes later, he was still crying. The dryer finished and I took the blanket in there as a last ditch effort to get him to sleep. As soon as he saw it, he smiled, danced and grabbed for it. He immediately laid down and fell asleep. SERIOUSLY!

That is when I was SO thankful that Hubs went back and got that blanket. This amazing blanket is not only Asher’s favorite, it has some fun stories and meaning behind it. It was a very thoughtful gift, personalized to him, and also helped someone in a time of need. I like to think that if that blanket could help a stranger in their moment of distress, it can certainly comfort Asher, and it does every night.

 

The Talk

~ Kara Mills ~ 2 Comments

Well, it was bound to happen at some point. Elijah is in fourth grade and I know that they will begin talking about puberty and all of those things that made us blush when we were that age. We’ve always taken a very honest approach with the boys. Meaning, that we would always tell the (age appropriate) truth when they asked questions. When I became pregnant with Asher, there was obviously some interesting discussions. Aden for a long time thought that people got pregnant when they got “married”. So, according to the reproductive guidelines from Aden, hubs and I have been “married” 3 times. We left that alone for the moment.

Tonight was a different story. On our way home from Elijah’s Lego League practice (more info to come on that later), we began talking about bodily fluids that carry disease. Now, I won’t go into great detail on this post- although I’m sure you’re wondering how in the world we got onto that subject. Let’s just say, when you put enough elementary school kids together, there is bound to be at least one kid who picks their nose….and eats it. Like caviar.

Sorry, I had to puke in my mouth for a second. Anyway, I was explaining to Elijah that you can’t just go around sharing finger foods (popcorn, pretzels, chips, etc.) with everyone because it’s a concentrated germ factory in there. Honestly, I may not have been so passionate about it had I not seen the nasal caviar incident, but now, it’s totally on my radar. So, as I was explaining this, he asks me why boogers are a bio-hazard. I explain that there are a number of virus’ and bacteria that are carried in there. He then asks why blood is a bio-hazard. I begin explaining that there are virus’ that can be transferred through blood or bodily fluids that can be harmful to people. Did you catch that? I said bodily fluids. Yeah, I didn’t catch that either, until he asked me what I meant by that. Crap. I wasn’t really prepared to have this discussion on the car ride home from Lego League, while I’m super tired too. So, I thought that if I ask him some questions, maybe I can get an idea of where he is in his understanding and then carefully select how to respond- and then hubs and I can address it with him later on in more detail. Here was the conversation.

Me: “Well Elijah, what do you really know about how a baby is made?”

Elijah: “Yes, God puts the baby in the moms belly and it grows.”

Me: “Yes, I suppose that’s right on a grander scale, but what happens with the mom and dad?”

Elijah: “Oh yeah, that. Well, the dad uses his jelly beans and puts a molecule in the mom and it grows into a baby. When it gets a little bigger, the genetic profile is created to say if it’s a boy or a girl.”

Me: (smiling) “Yup, that’s pretty much it. The bodily fluids are the fluids that help that molecule get into the mom, which is how disease can be spread.”

Elijah: “Ooohhh, that makes sense!”

So, maybe not my best response (remember, I was REALLY tired), but in the end, he seems to have understood what I was trying to say. And, my greater hope, is that he will think twice before sharing finger foods with everyone!

Constructive Criticism & Grammar

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

Morning car rides with the boys usually produces one of two things: fights (the more common one) or quizzical conversation. For example, one morning a while back, Elijah asked me what the battle strategy for the civil war was and why they picked it. How to they set specific speed limits? I also once received a full explanation of the different types of moons. You get the idea. It’s a plethora of things that I usually cannot answer, but I do enjoy listening. Sometimes, if I’m lucky, one boy will ask and the other will answer. That makes for the most entertainment.

So, last week we’re driving to school and the following dialog occurs:

Elijah: “Aden, I think it will be good when you begin studying grammar because you do not always have the correct grammar.” I laugh to myself because of the matter-of-fact tone of his statement (he often reminds me of Sheldon from Big Bang Theory).

Aden: “That’s not nice!”

Me: “Elijah, maybe you should have said that in a nicer way, use constructive criticism.”

Elijah: “What does that mean?!” He’s clearly annoyed that his very honest statement was being put into question.

Me: “It means to be more constructive while giving critiques. For example, if you’re using a long and complicated way to figure out a math problem and there is an easier way, I might suggest another way by saying ‘you’re idea is good but let’s try another method too’ instead of saying ‘you have a bad way of doing math’.”

Elijah: “It’s too hard to do that!” In Elijah speak, that means what he said was honest so why sugar coat it? I think about it, I suppose he’s not incorrect, but you know the old saying, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Aden: “Elijah, you should really say nicer things to me because what if I learn from you and say something mean about someone else’s grammars?” Yes folks, grammars.

Elijah: “That’s EXACTLY what I mean. Grammars! Really Aden! You can’t even say that correct!” He’s totally exasperated at this point.

Thank you Aden, for proving his point. Never a dull moment. Ever.

Band-Aids and Body Wash

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

There are two things that I am learning I need to buy in bulk: Band-Aids and body wash. Maybe I should just buy stock in a few specific companies knowing my family alone could keep them in business. Seriously. I could watch the profits soar.

Band-Aids are a serious matter in our house. We have one kid who truly has to be gushing blood before he puts one on, while the other makes up for all of his brothers combined. No joke, we went through a whole box of Band-Aids in a month. In the winter. Nothing happens in the winter! They’re not outside riding bikes, scraping knees. You have a paper cut? You better get the super, mega, large Band-Aid and put it on so your finger doesn’t fall off. You have a bruise? You definitely need a Band-Aid! You thought you were almost going to hurt your leg? Yup, you need one there too. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some valid injuries, as anyone with boys can understand. But the nonsense with the amount of Band-Aids is getting ridiculous. I spent over $30 at the store buying more because I wanted to make sure we had some around when we really need them. I get it though, as a kid, they’re supposed to make everything better. Even as I write this post, he’s in the bathroom removing a splinter and getting a Band-Aid. Don’t believe me? Ask hubs, he’s our in-resident doctor that is digging it out. He will for sure prescribe him a Band-Aid.

Band-Aids are one thing, but body wash, now that another story. I never thought we would go through body wash the way we do. Bars of soap are not a great option for boys, at least in our house. Think of bars of soap rocket propelling over the shower curtains or being slid around the tub like a Crisco coated bobsled on ice. I had thought providing body soap was like loss prevention at our house. Until I stepped in the shower, in a puddle of soap, and nearly kicked a hole through the wall. Really, sliding around like that at 5am is not the makings for a great day. It was literally half a bottle of soap that I had bought the day before. I think I was more upset that it was almost gone, rather than the fact I nearly broke my back. Even in weeks where the soap wasn’t spilled all over the shower, I couldn’t figure out where in the heck the stuff was going. I mean really, their bodies are a quarter of my size but they use 10 times as much body wash? Am I not washing myself that well? So, I spied. I saw one of the boys dump the body wash in his hand until it was spilling out. And, of course, it inevitably falls out as he begins washing, so he needs more. This was repeated 2 or 3 times. Ahh, that explains it. Now I see why a 20 ounce bottle can be eliminated in a week on a 40 pound child. How silly of me to think otherwise! Well, in an effort to save money so we could send our kids to college, I went on the hunt for a mega size bottle. With a pump. I figured either the bottle would be too heavy to pour, or they would be inclined to use the pump. I found a large bottle that I am happy to say had managed to stay with us for more than 2 months now! That’s totally a record.

It will get to a certain point where our other “well intended” child will like to “help out” by mixing body wash with our shampoo and conditioner. For example, one morning I begin washing my hair with my overpriced salon shampoo and realize, that in addition to the flower and herb smell I was used to, I was smelling peaches with a hint of cologne. Yup, he had mixed my shampoo with their body wash and hubs body wash. His justification was that he was making everything one step for me. I could wash my hair and my body with everything in there. I did get a little worried because I realized that the toilet bowl cleaner was right outside of the shower. He assured me he only used products for the body. I now buy hair products that don’t allow you to take the tops off.

So, the moral of the story: if you have a boy, you may want to stock up on these 2 items now. I’m sure as they get older, there will be something else. Please, share with me what they are so I can plan now. I need to get ahead of the curve!

Control Your Child

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

I am not a confrontational person, I can usually find a way around very confrontational moments. Maybe the “Minnesota Nice” has grown on me, but I really try to avoid them. But, when it comes to my kids, like most moms, we can usually step out of our comfort zone when needed. Well, today was the day I managed to defy my own odds. We were celebrating Asher’s first birthday with family and friends. It was a beautiful day, sunny with a light breeze, perfect for our playground/splash pad party. We arrived early to set everything up. By the end of the party, the kids were having a blast and the parents were relaxing and enjoying conversation. At one point the kids came to us upset because another child on the playground was squirting them in the face with a squirt gun. At point blank range. So, our initial response was to tell them to tell the child not to do that. Ask him nicely to stop, if he doesn’t then come back and get us. Kids will be kids right? I do realize, my kids aren’t perfect. Honestly, it’s usually me having to tell them to take it easy, watch out for little kids, quit running. You get the picture. Besides, who knows if they were playing back as kids tend to do? But really, who brings a water gun to a splash pad? Isn’t there enough water anyway? Continue reading →

Weeks In Review: From Puking to #DistractinglySexy

~ Kara Mills ~ Leave a comment

In the true spirit of “memoirs”, here are a few that have happened recently. I feel like the adventures that happen daily as a (working) mom can be exhausting when happening all in the same day. Clearly God had mercy on me and all of these things happened over the course of 2 weeks, which I suppose makes it more bearable. Maybe we’re just lucky, or maybe this is normal for you too?? I’m interested to hear…. Continue reading →

For Moms (and Dads) of Boys

~ Kara Mills ~ 6 Comments

We know a bit about raising boys. I mean, at least until they’re in elementary school. We haven’t made it to the teenage years (which I hear is way easier than having a teenage girl), but I feel like there are a number of items that we have on our list of things we need to teach them. I am fortunate because my mother-in-law taught hubs well, so when we first started dating, I really didn’t face a lot of the things mentioned below. I’ve just heard about them from friends and co-workers over the years. Sometimes they’re complaining, other times they’re just stating a fact, like they know that’s how it’s always going to be. It made me realize that there are some things I need to make sure they are taught. Hopefully that will give me a shot at a healthier relationship with my daughter-in-laws someday. Well, as healthy as that relationship can be I suppose. Continue reading →